23:19, Saturday, May. 26, 2012
Let's say feelings were measured by a bottle. The more good things that happen in life, the more it fills, and when bad things happen, it empties, so the filling in the bottle moves up and down with each day and each event and each action.
The bottle is quite shallow, meaning it fills and empties quite quickly at times. Once it fills the top and flows over the top--that's happiness. That's when you're utterly over the moon, heart soaring, your soul existing as the epitome of the word happy, either for that moment of your life or just for a single second of the day.
While it is shallow, it also get's bigger as you grow older and experience more things. Eventually, you'll need more things to accumulate before the bottle finally fills. Occasionally, as an intelligent person, it is good to find the goodness in little things because you won't lost anything, and that will help you fill the bottle up faster. Although then again, sometimes, you allow yourself to be satisfied with a temporary filling to a mediocre level near the top half.
Sometimes, life can turn so that your bottle becomes emptier and emptier each day, just a little bit, but it is steady like clock and sharp like a chisel, until it is completely dry, so dry it cracks and you need a new one. Sometimes, you feel like your bottle is always entirely full, constantly overflowing like a fountain, as if the bottle isn't big enough to contain it.
For me, each day I do what I need to do, I do what I want to do, things happen which aren't really bad and aren't really awesome, but they're perfectly fine. My bottle is constantly level because I balance it as often as I can, because I like to keep on top of things (my feelings). Things come, and I like to let them pass, so I patiently wait and sit and smile.
But I'll tell you now, it has been so long. So long since that bottle has been struggling to contain its contents, so long since I have done anything or that has genuinely made me happy. And I'm so tired and stress is just building up like fuck which I'm struggling to keep under control and the way people talk to me has gotten on my nerves a LOT and I'm at the point of exploding because my bottle has been so calmly stationary. But it's unfulfilling! UnfulFILLing.
So I had a good ol' cry in the shower and washed the fucking bottle inside out.