8:17 PM, Friday, Apr. 10, 2009
okay so did I mention that Amanda got a new dairy? like new diaryland diary? there are like 5 entries from last year ish and yeah they're really deepsih and formal and it kind of gives me a new insight on her 'change'. And I want to show it to Joanna too because I think she's got Amanda all wrong.
She hates her change right? I think I used to, but we talked half-deeply on the train yesterday afternoon and she told me things that made me feel like she never changed at all.
She said she and Lauren weren't that close anymroe. Or at least, not as close as before, which I find very strange and disappointed that I only found out now.
Also, Lauren turned into a pimp? With six guys literally sitting around in a circle at lunch. But she likes Leon and its obvious even though she denies it. (It's true though because Joanna says it too...in her diary)
ANd get this. Lauren drinks coffee with Leon every morning before school and she's been doing this since last year. THis is so big for me. It's kind of like, CBU anyone? haha. It actually sounds really sweet, something that I would only read it white english books and fanfics. I love lives.
I'm such a leech of these types of things though.
So yeah, anyway she's really close to Joanna now. Even though she (nor I) have been in many of Lauren's classes since like... Year 8 chinese. Talk about deep stuff. Is it because JOanna's the type to talk personally with easier? I wonder. All me and Lauren ever talk about now is like... normal stuff, barely better than Phoebe. Almost as bad, at least.
ANyway back to Amanda. She tells me I'm turning fobby (with the clothes, and the fake glasses, and etc.) In my mind, my heart and gut I agree. But I'll never admit it. With Pim, we kinda share this want to become cool, to be 'popular' perhaps. She's more obvious then I am, but at least she's steps closer than me to what we want.
So why is Amanda so insistant on saying that I"m turning fobby? I think its because what I"m doing, over a slow process of time, is what she has done already. REmember that period in year 8 (or was it 9?) when she started wearing her prescribed black fobby glasses? No offence it looked like crap. THen with the girly experimental clothes, before this change to "mature" and this personality that moved onto to prioritizing more popular bitchy people.
Because she's right there, or almost, a millimeter away, to what she wants. Unlike me or Pim, who complain excessively over her oozing over-confidence and bisexualness (lol), she did it. She actually had the courage to entirely change who she once was, despite what others (such as Joanna & partially me) would think.
And after this talk we had on the train, although we didn't really talk about this, it's more like i conjured this theory up while talking about other stuff with her; after that it got me thinking. If I were more confident, perhaps richer (although i blame my wealth status on alot of things), then would I do what Amanda did? Would I be who she is today?
I think another reason why I'm not, is because I don't want to let myself become someone like her, prioritising popular-er people or smooth talking my way into their lists. I don't want to become... a... person who has to think through everything before doing. In a bad way. I do do something similar to that, as do the rest of us, but I like to chop down my shallowness when it rises too high. TO keep me in check.
But that also made me wonder: if Amanda was less confident, more shy, more of a wuss, knew more whits than asians in her childhood, would she end up like me?
I wonder.
But I love Amanda. I feel like other than that big difference, we're both the same. We're both brutally honest at times. We both had that same goal, as with Pim. But unlike Pim, something more important, we're both realists. Philosiphers perhaps.
I'm athiest for a reason. Kinda. My beliefs originate from deep escessive thinking in my mind when i'm alone. Amanda says she's athiest, but believes in fate. Does that work?
I used to believe in fate, destiny, etc. But now I realize that I only wanted to believe in them. Because they sound cool. Because I wanted something more in our ordinarily human lives. But no, I never truly believed something like that existed.
A while ago, Amanda told me she didn't want to get married. She'd be one of those people who would live with their partner, but no get married. I didn't understand it at the time, but I've been thinking about it for a while these past few months.
I don't believe in love. It's that simple. I found this fact a while ago, but I never really thoguht about all the things that this note would effect. But you know, I worried about if I would ever get into a relationship, get serious, get married, have kids, settle down. It's so unbelievable to imagine myself, but thats what I want to happen in my life.
And so far, I think I'm even willing to exclude 'love' in this equation to get it. Because I never erally believed in it anyway.
I'm insecure. I'm so so so so insecure. ANd skeptic about love. As if someone would want to be with me. As if someone would want to marry me. As if things would happen perfectly and smoothly like I would believe it to.
If I had to choose between getting married to a rich, smart, asian, etc. guy but who i don't love, and a guy who is, lets say, white and poor and dumb and etc. but I loved with whatever my definition of love was, I'd choose the former. Because I'm insecure, and I like stable, traditional, normal, beneficial things. Even when it comes to things like this.
ANd stragne but true and logically enough, I'm afraid of getting into a guy relationship with someone who things deep. SOmeone who thinks of things too much, makes theories in his spare time, questions love and fuck. SOmeone like me. Because I feel like these type of people cling. CLing like fuck. (Take Tom for example, no offence). Have no lives and are too serious where I"m not.
I don't want to be tied down to something, or anything.
And I wondered, yet again, if this was something, perhaps in another form, what Amanda thought too. Because isn't marriage also a form of... capture? ANd now I understand why people run away from it, because of the freedom, that life without it, offers.
But I want to get married. It's like a life goal and dream and something I'm sticking to and not leaving because I want to be NORMAL for gods sake. THe hypocrysy, the satire, the irony. Oh my fuck I'm in such turmoil sometimes, although most of the time I supress it into flicking thoughts that waver into my normal ones.
THe only chance of got to win both ways is to marry another fuckhead who thinks like shit like me. But the insecureness of myself scares me, so how am I able to trust another? This is sort of why I love binding contracts so.
But I've never really experienced 'love' so how would know? Maybe one day I'll get into something strong enough to laugh at all these thoughts that I'm thinking about too much, too early. I'm only fucknig 14 for gods sake. But somehow, I feel like time is going so fast, that i'll be there, so soon. I'm scared.
I guess this is why I like to find confort in books and stories. Slightly realistic but unrealistic at the same time. SOmething that lets me escape into my own world, let me temporarily believe that something like "love" actually existed.
And maybe because of this long long long thought of mine, is why I think Lauren is so naive. STill as innocent as year 7. She's the type of person who wants to fall in love at first sight, or get into her first relationship and then end up marrying. She's looking for a happily ever after. So that's why I think its shit that she's crying over Leon. SHe's only going to get hurt if she continues thinking like this.
What makes it worse, is that wouldn't someone like her have had these thoughts already? THat perhapds, its not real? that she's got to wake up to the real world? I think she has, only she denies it. SHe's kind of like what I used to be when I aws younger. I wonder if she's ever snap, and hopefully she does, although for some reason I wish for her to believe her.. beliefs all the way through. TO be strong with them.
SO, let's say, me, Joanna and Amanda go on on this topic (I really really really want to). Let's say, Amanda or even I, try to convince Lauren that she's wrong. Deep down, I want her to fight for it, to ignore our words, to follow all the way through. ANd if that happens, I hope, for Lauren's sake that she'll be lucky enough to find her 'One' before the rest of us do. Perhaps someone who'll lift her heart up on her pms-ing days and bring out the light and laughter of Lauren with no effort at all. (Alliterationess lol)
WIth Joanna, I think she also believes that one day, someone is there for her. And I believe (there's alot of 'believe' words today...) that she will fight for it, even if everything is against her. Sure, she's not as naive as Lauren, believing that her first boyfriend will be her 'One'. Nor is she the type to fall for someone that easily. But I know that she'll always end relationships on the right note, that she will always be searching for someone right for her, and maybe she will find someone like that. I can't imagine anyone yet, but c'mon future Joanna. Suprise me.
And with Amanda, let's just say, in the future, we'll be seeing an exact copy of Amanda, in guy form. Sarcastic, blunt, bisexual (maybe), honest, deep and independant like hell. ANd sure they'll fight, and shit each other, and cheat on each other when they get pissed. But you know what? I do believe they'll grow old and die together =]
Adults are such simple creatures. I wonder if they were ever like us, thinking things will never happen, that it was impossible, that when they grow old, they will never actually truly live to what they expected what they wanted to be. My parents? I believe they've achieved their life's goals, perhaps 95% of the way. But like every ordinary human being, I believe they have and maybe are still looking for something more.
Last but not least, what about me? (Shannon Noll in my head). What do I foresee and get carried on about in my future?
...pure darkness and blackness...
Just kidding. No. I'm hoping, dreaming, wishing for some guy who perhaps, matches my ways of thinking, will fight for my insecurity, and make me fight for his insecureness and just balance each other out. So basically, we'll be agreeing on our similarites and what we have in common. This also brings up the topic of how opposites attract, but thats for another day.
ANYWAY.
This school holidays, I brought up the idea (i'm so proud) of regrouping time at Luna Park. It's a maybe ;D
I feel like that perhaps I can say all this crap that I find kinda hard to talk about with my own group (even with Pim and definitely Ticky) with them. Maybe its time. Even with Lauren, I think I can pour out shit like my life depended on it. I only ask if they think the same.
I hope we end up bonding. Over this diary entry, I feel like perhaps us four, can share a secret that no one else will know.
The secret? Each other.
Meanwhile
There are four guys out there in the world, preferably in Sydney, Australia, that have some high standards to live up to by the time these four girls meet them.