19:37, Thursday, Jul. 28, 2022
What a fucking depressing day and week. Work drinks with the team and I honestly feel so lucky to have fallen into this team. But damn what a group of young successful bright people. I feel like a child next to them. I haven't got anything together, nothing, absolutely nothing.
I feel like my life hasn't changed since I was 22, 17, 12, and I can't even imagine it ever changing now that it's been too long. I feel like I've accomplished nothing that I've wanted to do, said I would do. It feels like I'm constantly holding back and I don't know why. Is it fear, insecurity? Yes to both. Financial insecurity. Social anxiety. Low self confidence. All things I hate. When will I just get over this shit.
It feels like a constant work in progress. Constant constant. And I feel like I'm lagging behind, I feel like life is moving on but I haven't moved at all. I thought life would sweep me along the way but it just moves past me. I want to blame covid and maybe that's a part of it, but maybe it's just me.
Sometimes I think back, everything I've achieved, my potential, my past, it was all for nothing. I've realised nothing. These feelings just overtake you sometimes, they manifest into these dark sludgey tendrils from inside, almost from nowhere and everywhere, and wriggle and grow to overtake your body and limbs. It gets heavier and heavier, sometimes you don't feel them at all, but other times you feel them all at once altogether and it weighs down and tries to drag you into nothingness.
Days like these, times like this, I just really think, what is the point of living. One day I'm going to close my eyes and then nothingness. No feelings, no regrets, no sadness, no pain, just nothingness.