Unconditionally

15:32, Friday, Sept. 23, 2022

It's September already.

Been back from Europe less than a week. It was fun and unique and I could write a novella on what went on there but not today.

When I came back my dad asked me if there were flights to get to China. His brother is in really bad condition right now in hospital and it looks like he might kick the bucket at any moment. He wants to go back to see him, be by his side. He says he'll regret it if he doesn't go to see him, his best friend, his baby brother. But it's not easy. There's the visa application waiting period, the 2+ tests before flight day, 10 days of quarantine, and that's assuming no other sudden snap lockdowns from the officials. By the time he reaches, will his brother still be there?

There are ways but none of them as good as the $5k commercial direct flight which departs once a week. I feel the stress and anxiety and sadness for my dad. Does he risk it all and go, leave all his responsibilities here behind (there are tonnes, house construction related), spend $6k+ when money's still tight, for a chance to see his brother in person one last time, or does he stay, so he at least doesn't miss the moment, he can't do anything anyway.

I know in his heart, in my heart too, he wants to go, and I tell him to go. Whether he arrives to a live or dead body, he'll still want to go. But then his brother video calls him and tells him not to come, insists, almost incoherently insists, not to come, he might be gone by then anyway. Do not come. I can hear the conversation through my door in my room and I crack. His brother loves him just as much and he probably doesn't want my dad to see him like that, to sadden him further. Distance at least helps a little.

My dad agrees, he won't, he won't. He breaks down crying to his sisters instead. He says he's torn because he will always feel responsible for his brother. As his older brother. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. The border situation is frustrating and makes you feel helpless. Seeing a loved one dying is painful enough, but the fact that you can't be with them. Preparing to say goodbye against your will to someone you love so much. Being the older one, yet having to watch them go first.

And you know what hits me harder. When he said he feels responsible for his brother, which is why it pains him even more. Because I get it. As the older sibling, you always want to look out for younger one. You're always thinking of taking care of them in the back of your head in all the big decisions of your life. They're always there, and you've been charged your whole life to take care of them. It's one of your life roles.

I guess this is what death feels like, something which becomes more prevalent as you get older. Exactly how it is for my dad. Both his parents and now his only brother and best friend. Who is left on this earth that fully understands him now? And this fact saddens me more because it reminds me that the time I have together with my parents is also approaching a deadline, further away (hopefully) but still approaching. And then it'll be my turn to mourn, because there's no one else who loves me so unconditionally as them.

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