19:53, Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2022
God my family is so emotionally stunted, which I always knew, but just reminded of yet again today.
There's me, who's pretty much stone cold and unfeeling, has to think twice when interacting with almost anyone to make sure to check that what I'm saying is socially acceptable. Have only gotten slightly better than I used to be at responding in a normal friendly way, trained myself over time to not say the first thought that comes to mind, still having issues. Mind buffers and words stutter. Also came to the realisation I might never be able to change.
My mum - most adapted individual in the family, although that's because she's been working in society the longest. Has the right reactions to strangers and only sometimes at home. Practical and sensible, she's kind but has no sense of alternatives, only one way i.e. the highway. She knows what needs to get done and she does it. Her skills are good but her determination and resilience are second to none. But she never knows how to react to people, everything she knows is learned and copied after seeing someone else first. It's not innate.
My brother - perhaps the one who knows what to do the most when faced with emotional situations. He's just emotionally unavailable 23 hours of the day, on normal days, for no reason and no one knows why. Who knows when he'll stoop down low enough to mingle with us poor peasants and give us a sentence or two to chew on.
My dad - most displaced. Starting from a foolish dream, ignorant of the realities. Clever and idealistic, but unable to take action when and where it truly matters. Sympathetic but cannot understand others. I remember crying about Archie at the dinner table when it happened and he just saw me and kept going on and on about all the shit that happened and I could only cry harder hearing it. Like he gets some sick pleasure from getting a reaction out of the drama. Today, his brother is dying in hospital and he can only choke on his tears in the bathroom and no one in the house knows what to say.