21:34, Thursday, Sept. 28, 2017
Updates:
1. I organised this beach house/road trip thing last weekend with about 20 other people from my intake at work. It was fun but at the same time, shit - just the ways trips are I guess, when you never know what to expect. I feel closer to some yet further away from a few others.
Honestly, it made my heart hurt, the way I was trying to set up this whole bonding experience and it just turned out like a big mess and I really shouldn't have given that many shits and just ignored everyone. I'm too mindful and it's not a good thing.
I'm just going to remember it as a fond memory and forget all the shit that went down - just like all my trips. I will definitely reconsider organising another one though.
2. I struggle with socialising at work still to the point that it hinders me and my career and my relationships and my mood and it stresses me out. I feel like I'm going backwards. I think I may have social anxiety? Legitimately. Otherwise, I mean, I don't think this is normal. I mean, I'm fucking 23 for gods sake.
3. Although, when I hang out with people from my intake at work though, it honestly feels like the home away from home I never had. To get along with such a large group of people is a first. It makes me feel so comfortable I get borderline worries. That I'm too comfortable.
4.
I'm worried I'm not moving forward. And I need to find a way to do it. It's static and its driving me crazy. Honestly I have a lot to say but sometimes it feels like I actually don't. And I can't articulate. I don't get it. I just need to get out and do something else. Otherwise, I'm going to stay the same forever.
I don't know where I'm going after this. I don't see myself doing this forever. But I don't know what else I can do, what other skills I have, where I can go. I feel afraid that I will have to start from the bottom again in a few years and all this would have been pointless. I feel like compared to any other time in my life, I'm feeling more lost than ever.
When's my next holiday? Someone organise for me for once thanks.