13:20, Thursday, Feb. 05, 2015
I can make fluffyish pancakes now. I realise now it was probably the expired flour that wrecked all previous attempts from before this year.
I've always been quite desperate to hold things together - memories, friendships, dreams, etc. But over the last few years I've sort of let go. Occasionally I give myself an ultimatum to move on, and I everything I decide on has reason and I don't regret anything. I only wonder if ultimatums are always the best ways to go about.
The other day, I consciously began to miss Tiffany. It was strange how I'd never thought of it even once before then, how I was so eager to draw the line after the last straw. And years later, I wonder if maybe I should have held on a little more, or tried a little harder. Because I've only begun to realise how much of a gap there is to fill. This is like graduation goggles, only two years late.
I don't know, it's hard to think of things objectively anymore since the moment has already passed. I can only believe and trust in my own made decisions. I can't even remember what it felt like anymore, just what feeling it was. Like memories playing without sound or colour. What is nostalgia. I remember things as they were like pictures in a book and I can smooth the page over with my palm and all I feel is the cool glossy finish.
I am eternally detached and tense. I wonder if I am digressing. I'm the same as every other clone in the ways it matters to the world; I'm always going to be different from everyone else in the ways it matters to me. And I am way too old to be having these preteen self identity issues. This shit will probably relapse bimonthly for the rest of my life.
Watching Shameless and its good. Top five.