00:49, Wednesday, May. 29, 2013
Hey. It's been almost a month again, so let me write before May finishes.
I actually feel the greatest peace when I write here, but since last year, I've felt like there isn't a lot of quality to what I write anymore, or of my life, or of my lifestyle attitudes. And I'm lazy as fuck.
Well here's what I've been up to:
Started looking for a job this week, and I am addicted to it, I don't even know why. I actually have quite a few things to do for school to worry about and yet I can't resist spending hours sending my awful thing of a resume to a billion different ads. Unsurprisingly, I'm not as afraid or disappointed by rejection this time around. And surprisingly, I'm the one pressuring myself to get one, there's no one else.
I've made a few friends at uni, though nothing really substantial I guess, only because I see them often (Chinese), but I'm not too worried. I've come to a point in life I think, where I understand now just how lucky I have been to have friendships that go beyond superficiality, and lukewarm.
And I am thankful for it, and this fact calms me and empowers me to be strong and think forward. I am still afraid of everything, but it's alright now because I no longer feel like I'm incapable alone.
The other day, Jaya said something about hating life right now because she was alone, and I tried to tell her wrong about it but I don't think it worked out well, since, well, it is Jaya haha. But I should have told her this:
Being alone is hard, it's lonely and it hurts like a disease. But when you find something when you are alone, you achieve the greatest sense of achievement, satisfaction and happiness. Going somewhere safe will feel good and warm, but it will never be great. It's finding a pot of gold after a long, hard struggle that makes it all the more worth it. It makes you grow and mature and it makes you stronger and you will still dread each new day to come but growing inside will be feelings of excitement and adventure that look forward earnestly.
I can honestly say, I can chat with people quite well now, when I'm with them alone. I'm no longer too unfriendly (unless I'm tired as fuck), and I don't find people intimidating anymore. I'm interested in everyone new, because everyone is so different. It's become easier to talk, and to open up, although I realise now you can do it superficially.
But it's fine because I feel like the person I am today has come so far from who I was in high school, and I'm glad and grateful and I don't think I would trade it for anything in the world, even for all the things I regret.