19:29, Monday, Jun. 10, 2013
Hey. It's almost half way through the year and I've only written literally like 10 entries.
I'm really sad as of late. I know I was like all reaching enlightenment and happiness and shit but what goes up must come down, where there's happy there's sad, it's yin and yang my brothers. So I'm really digging this yin and yang symbolism as of late also.
Anyway maybe it's because I hate measuring my self-worth. And I hate others measuring it. And I hate that I feel like I can only be satisfied by having my self-worth measured.
I wonder if I've made the right choice, if it's too late to go back, if I should stay with it. I'm used to always deciding things with contingency plans hidden up my arse to keep me warm inside but now it's like fuck that, it's too late, it's do or die.
I have no idea about the future, in fact the future scares the shit out of me. More and more I'm just like what the fuck how am I even going to survive and live when all that seems to be waiting for me is the gaping black hole of a giant fish's mouth.
There is so much I want to do I feel like I'll explode. There's a lot I want to express, but in reality, you just can't. Later. Later. Later. Later. There is no fucking later. I used to think I had all the time in the world, but now I feel like time is moving way too fucking fast and my life might end tomorrow and I would have done nothing substantial.
I'm in one of those periods where I just feel like fuck, and every bad emotion that can ruin you is camping in my soul. Envy, jealousy, fear, worry, doubt, sloth, depression. What the fuck man. Just what the fuck.
I think these are the qualms associated with unemployment. I think when I grow up (if I ever do) I'll become a workaholic and I have no problems with that.
Other shit:
My inability to understand the relativity between my current university study and my future, which I'm pretty sure manifested when I was 15, and the subsequent lack of motivation, depresses the shit out of me.
It's a lot easier nowadays not to need to turn to friends whenever I have something plaguing my mind. I usually vent by visiting my old neopets account or boring the shit out of my parents.
Watching Hannibal and it's awesome. I've become too much of a fangirl to judge it objectively but it's ok because I can just sink into the fiction and forget my due responsibilities.
Also watching a Japanese drama about air defence force PR. What I love about Japanese dramas is that no matter what target audience it has, they always put some social lesson into every episode, like teaching children good and bad.
Really want to shop. I spent like $50 on the weekend online. When I'm unemployed. Fuck.
The other day, I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, real-like-so-fucking-tempted-to-do-so-ly, wanted to have a long, looooong, random, catch-up talk with Joanna Tan. And then, return back to nothingness. Like being too close would be unhealthy. I think it's been three years no? New record lewl.
My dad went to China to see his mum.