01:18, Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2013
Hey there. It's the weekly entry #2. For a while now, none of my entries are themed anymore, and are instead just circular random recounts of my daily life.
I've been working a lot recently, and that's because we're still looking for new people after Jar and Cindy left us. Liew is also leaving on Sunday, so that'll leave us in quite a spot too.
Secret#1: I think somewhere a long the line, I started lesbian crushing on Liew. I realised it a long, long while ago, but I hadn't admitted it to anyone until now. I remember that working alone with her made me fully open up and laugh at work, although probably no one realises it. I think to myself, if I were lesbian, I would totally go for this chick. And then I start to wonder, I treat her so much like a guy, but still a girl sometimes, and it's so good. It makes me question my sexuality all the time. I think I'm just open to accepting however my feelings might turn out. I think rather than a gender, it's an attitude and aura. Anyway, I think I'll miss her tonnes.
Of course, I'm not the type of girl who falls in love headfirst easily. Sure I'll start to grow this attachment which could be the start of such a phenomenon, but I would never allow myself to continue any further, and I don't think anything will. It's always been my mind and heart in compromising harmony.
Anyway, as a result of opening up, and Jar not being here, I've gotten a bit closer to Boom and Man I hope so, although recently he's been pretty angsty, I think he's worried for when Liew leaves. Work is tiring, yet it feels like my life now, like school, but not nearly as bad.
Secret #2: I am totally obsessed with getting plastic surgery. Ever since getting comments about being 'pretty' last year (not that I didn't before, but it just seems like that's the ONLY compliment I seem to be able to get anymore), I've become pressured to look like my ideal. And my ideal is so far away and unrealistic. It has come to the point where every time I look into the mirror, I want to get plastic surgery. Every single day, I think about it at least three times. I used to think P.S. was a big deal and something I would never do, but I find it perfectly reasonable now. It's not healthy I know, but I feel like nothing in the past year has proven that I am worth anything else.
Secret #3: Di has told me that she's been wanting to get a tattoo, and after months of deliberating she decided on what to get, where on herself to get it, and finally the date of that day. I was one of the few she told (me, Leon, her bro), and I love tattoos so much that it's like one of the few secrets I have actually kept. However, on the day, we went all the way to West Ryde, only to be told that the side of the finger was a shit place to get it so no. It was sad, because I felt like with her tattoo, I would also be able to rebel through her. Her reasons resonated with mine perfectly so it felt just right.
Anyway, I've been thinking about what I were to get, if I were ever to be free of my parents. After much thought over, I don't know, three years?, I thought of getting a picture of what I love: an apple or a cat. But they seemed so stupid as an image, and I felt words reached such a narrow scope of infinity. I didn't want anything cliche, as pretty as it was, but I've finally dwelt on the image of wings. Or a single wing, on the top of my arm, or the back of my shoulder. Probably on the left arm, and if I like it enough, perhaps my right. But anyway, I'm still thinking about it.
Secret #4: I never thought I would drift away like this from my friends. I knew we would drift, but I didn't think drifting felt like this, or happened like this. I wanted to do so much with them before, but now I just can't find the energy to put in the effort anymore. I don't mean nearly as much to them as they mean to me, save for one, and I'm so tired of it. I was afraid of growing up, but it seems like my friends have become adults already, and I'm just clinging on my immaturity. It's so hard.