13:50, Thursday, Sept. 27, 2012
Today I wear the very first outfit I bought and coordinated properly, while listening to songs which I loved the most during that time.
I haven't actually worn this dress since then. The number of songs which have stayed since then is probably about 10%? I remember being obsessed with the ideas of scrapbooking, photography, lookbook fashion, being superior, going out everyday, trying to become more of something.
Now I'm obsessed with nothing in particular. Maybe apples and cats and that's about it. Everything else I've got a sort of appropriate amount of interest in. Except im still concerned with superiority.
I have come to hate the feeling of thinking I am superior to someone, that I am smarter (rare these days), or older, or more experienced, or prettier, or hotter, or better than someone. It's not like I want others to feel like they are so much better than me, just that I don't want them to feel like I'm looking down at them because of something.
For the last two years, and especially this year, I have really wanted to become a relaxed person, who does not judge, does not look down on, who sees the goodness in different aspects as equal, to see that no one is perfect or 'better' but that we are all the same.
No one is better or worse just because you act more suave or you act more confident or you act more bitchy or you dress with trends, or you read old literature compared to new literature, or you are more sociable or you're into nerdy shit or you do architectre or you can't speak English or you can't do this or that. Everyone is equal. I truly believe that, or at least I am striving to truly believe that in my heart.
And this is what goes on in my head all the time when I meet people, but because I want to treat everyone equally, I just end up being quiet because i don't want to say anything offensive or mean. I'm being absolutely serious when I say I actually want to become a nicer person inside, and being quiet is sort of a way of training. Partially. Sometime there are parts of me which are hard to change.
Anyway I don't know if this makes me a boring person or a closed person or a stiff stupid unfriendly crazy person. I am on my way to finding enlightenment bro.