21:48, Sunday, Mar. 25, 2012
I know I've been saying work's been really fun and dandy but in actual fact I may get fired the day after tomorrow and this actually has been a gradual thing, I just haven't bothered mentioning it. You know, because I don't want to mention it. But the truth is, if I don't do good tomorrow, I'm done.
And I don't know what I'm feeling now exactly. I'm thinking: this is perfectly reasonable since it's my mistake and I should just try to change it. But it's not like I'm not sad about being told off, which is also perfectly reasonable because I'm only human.
But I get uncomfortable thinking how the others found me problematic, so I can no longer talk to them normally without feeling awkward. So I end up only talking to them about work. But that isn't right because they're just doing their job. But it's not like I can't not feel awkward with them either.
Anyway so I'm nervous right and I'm trying to ignore it like I always do but the thing is I've never been in this situation before so I don't know how it will go. But it's not my thing to stress; I don't like it, I avoid it, I ignore it, I laugh it off, etc. I don't know if a lot of people know, but I'm also extremely choc full of pride. I'm one of those people who don't like showing involuntary weakness or showing that something affects me and I'm all for two eyes for an eye.
So this sounds really, really stupid but basically I feel torn between acting perfectly normal with the others and pretending I'm not upset, OR, ignoring them because I don't want to talk to them right now. Then I get confused because either option is absolutely stupid and I should be mature about this and stop acting childishly. That's why I'm always telling myself to grow up. But then what?
I think Top was trying to reassure me tonight that it wouldn't be that bad, and one half of me felt light and amused because he's such a nice guy and maybe I do need it. But the other cynical half of me won't let me take it, and I'm all about how stupid and useless and meaningless these nice words are. But it's not like I don't care, because I appreciate it tonnes. So in the end, my face is expressionlessly polite and I'm just nodding along.
Inside, I *think* I'm angry and sad and nervous and afraid and bitter, but my mind cuts all that out. So I'm not sure what I'm feeling exactly now, because all these feelings seem kind of faded and distant, blurred into a background. I don't know if that makes sense, but basically, my childish faults are fighting amongst themselves, and my calm, reasonable self is trying to mediate by gassing the shit out of them. Because though I like to be in control, being afraid of expectations, I'd rather just go with the flow and come what may.
The most mature thing to do, would be just to do everything perfectly tomorrow. Who cares if they know I'm screwed over? Who cares if they know I'm doing it just to keep the job? Who cares if they see me stressing over this shit? Who cares about that when they already think I'm incapable? Capable>Incapable bro.
Anyway I'm not exaggerating and bashing myself to seem modest(?) or seemingly aware of my faults and therefore I become cool. This was actually quite difficult to admit because admitting these childish faults are just as bad as acting on them. But I think I had to do this to straighten my thoughts/feelings out, calm down, and to know what to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to write a couple of lists of what to literally and mentally do tomorrow just for the calming effect, and to top it off... read some Murakami while listening to depressing music until I fall asleep, only to wake up tired early tomorrow morning to make some cardboard shit for arch. Sounds good. Night.