16:26, Saturday, Feb. 11, 2012
I'm really, really, really angry. All I can here are these complaints, telling me what to do, telling me what I should be doing, telling me to become this. You can't just tell someone to 'become responsible.' It's not something you can just become overnight. Nothing can be done overnight.
My brother is being the ultimate gamer douchebag still, and on normal days I'd snap back and complain, but nowadays I'm just like whatever, I couldn't care less. Why should I even bother. I'm not trying to seek attention, and I don't want to act spoilt. And I feel really bitter about it all, but it's not in my nature to fight back in an aggressive way. I'm a passive person. Even if I try, it doesn't work, so why should I even bother.
It's come to this state where I'm just like whatever. I'll look straight past you and pretend I'm listening to everything your saying (but I probably am because trying to ignore it makes me hear it even more), and I'll pretend to consider it and I'll pretend to try to change to become what you want me to be like. Because no one ever listens while I am speaking or trying to say anything, so I might as well just not say anything, pretend to do what you want, and then you'll calm the fuck down and go away and I'll be able to get on with life.
I'm not going to agree with you, because I don't. But I'm not going to disagree with you, because you will never accept it. So in this passing moment of silence I give you, you can think whatever the hell you want to think.
Because there's something wrong with everything I do. Something wrong with the words I use, the tone of my voice, my expression, my face, my actions, my life, everything. There's always something wrong with it.
You may think I'm not standing up for myself and I'm being this major childish wuss, but this isn't the outside world. This is inside the house with my family. There is no such thing as 'standing up for yourself.' What the fuck is that, what there's no way you can ever be right. As a teenager, I was like rebelling like all teenagers do, because you realise that adults are not right all the time. But once you pass that stage, you find that though they may not be right, you can never become right either.
I hate that word 'good.'
Have you done this? Good. Have you done that? Good. Is supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn't. It doesn't feel like anything nice at all. It feels like you're *expressing* your approval for the actions I did following your instruction. But I don't want your approval because I just did what you wanted me to do and that's it. That's fucking it. I did it like you said so just shut up now. Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
In absence, you remember all the good things because nonexistence itself is a sad thing. But in existence, which is a good thing, you recall all the things you hate.