10:56 PM, Tuesday, Nov. 08, 2011
I like fashionable things. I like un-fashionably fashionable things. I like fashion. I like clothes. I like pretty things. Not surprising.
But I can never feel comfortable when I see pretty clothes in stores, or when I see fashionable clothes on people, or when I see people in trendy clothing. I don't know, I feel like I can never reach there, or where I want to be, because I don't/won't put in enough effort or because I'm pessimistic yet idealistic. Or because I create barriers for myself which should easily be broken down if I really wanted it. Worst habit of all: I stereotype. I stereotype so bad. So badly that stereotyping takes over my entire way of thinking. But what's this got to do with me? It shouldn't affect me at all yet it does.
I think another factor is that the shield which was school has finally been taken away and I'm exposed to all these arrows of reality and the real world which suffocates me to death. I think being surrounded by amazing people and beautiful people and funny people and bright young minds just all smushes me and I feel like I can't go anywhere. I think because of this, more than anything, I'm afraid of just passing by not doing anything that I'm really happy about, because since I'm never unsatisfied, I'm never really satisfied either.
Argh I think there's this person I want to be. Not really a person, but several persons. And I don't know if it's bad that I want to change into someone else, or if it's good that I want to change into someone else. I don't know, but it feels like no matter where I am or who I evolve to be, being 'myself' is never going to be good enough for the rest of the world.
Blah blah blah I shouldn't care about others, and so I don't a lot of the time. But then I feel like I don't deserve to not care if I actually do care a little inside, and then I start caring about pretending to not care, and then it all blends into this indistinguishable blob that I just ignore and try not to think about.
Yeah okay I'm afraid like hell of being judged. Being judged by strangers, acquaintances, friends, even my brother. Actually these days I feel a need to hold back these random thoughts when I'm with friends, not only because I don't think a lot of them would understand or take it very seriously, but because I don't what to force my problems onto the ones that might. I mean, this is probably the most insignificant problem in the world called 'lack of self-confidence' (and don't I know it) and it's been fucking haunting me like a pendulum since the day I could talk.
I hate it, because I feel like every little thing about me can be measured and judged. And I especially hate it the most when someone expects me to be this person, yet when they meet me, they find out I'm not, and they get disappointed. I fucking hate that, because it happens all the fucking time. I end up being a colourless transparent blob that passes through things, and because I'm so used to it, I don't want to try to be something else more colourful because I'm afraid that in two seconds flat the colour will just dilute and I'll be colourless again.
Had a really bad day today, and yesterday, meeting people I wouldn't have minded not meeting, and doing things that didn't do much good for anyone, and of course, spending moniezzzz. Plus I feel like all the things I used to enjoy before hsc ended has suddenly not become enjoyable, and everything I do this week is a chore: halfway presents, shopping, prepping for fucking formal, etc.
I think I'm going to be one of those adults who believe money and material presents solve everything.