5:26 PM, Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2011
It's a mixture of disappointment and self-hatred and fear with a scoop of regret on top. I hate to regret the most. It is one of the worst feelings to ever feel.
There were things which I said to myself yesterday, last week, early January, last year, the year before, even before that, things which I claimed with so much assertion that I would not regret it. But I know deep inside that I will and I do. But there are other things too, things which I completely disregarded, things which I didn't even consider, and those were also among some of the worst things I regret.
And maybe because it's too late (?) or the end is near (?) that I'm finally starting to think about it, or maybe it's just all accumulated and exploded like a balloon filled with too much water.
And then there's actually admitting it to someone. That might also be part of why regret is so hateful, because when you say it to someone, they're not going to feel sorry for you. You might seek it from someone, but they know it's your own fault, and so do you. I know this makes me seem like someone who seeks comfort where I don't deserve it, and I suppose it's true. Because I'm a very, very, very weak person.
So more than ever, I want this year to finally end already. More than before, my mind screams violent images of things and events which are anything but the reality. I'm gliding into that stance where I just want to get out of school so I can restart. Although: I've talked to people and they say that they want to restart things like their friends, boys, personalities, etc. But I'm not interested in those things, I'd rather just stay in school, because my situation is fine as it is.
The thing I want to restart is my attitude. Not towards other people, but just to myself, and work. Work, fucking, work. I want to press a refresh button so I can start clean, diligent, conscientious, proper. Do things which I keep saying I'll do. Ease out and shut away the things I shouldn't be doing. Because I feel like if I do it for long enough, it'll gradually become normal to me.
You see all this. All this is mushed up together in one bolt of a feeling which occurs again and again when I'm regretting, when I feel sad, when I'm disappointed in myself, hammered into me hard until tears are squeezed out. But it's as if despite all this hammering which is trying to reform myself, I just build a soundproof wall to shut the sound out. So I know it's happening, but I ignore it. It's procrastination.
HSC is not about level of intelligence or study. It's about overcoming procrastination and being initiative.
Initiative.
Initiative.
Initiative.
Initiative.