5:34 PM, Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2011
So today I feel like I've aged 10 years. I mean it started of normal enough but then my friend had some serious shit going on and started crying and such like she'd kept it all bottled up and had finally exploded and couldn't hold it in, because that is exactly how it looked like. I have no idea what happened, why exactly she's crying, and I didn't want to ask any further, I probably only know a minuscule amount of how much she's suffering.
Then I just got so scared and sad because I didn't know what the fuck to do, and I'd never ever seen her like this before, and I wanted to do something to help somehow, but I was a fucking lost child. I know I seem all like bleh and sarcastic (maybe) as I write this, but that's because I've calmed down quite a bit, and I'm writing to nobody, and I'm really way more weak and vulnerable and indecisive in real life.
Regardless, I started breaking down and crying, even in front of someone I haven't talked to in a year, and it's funny because when I listened to her, I suddenly felt calmer, and as if I had some, though vague, idea of what to do. Really funny.
Anyway, so stuff happened, calmed down in English, she calmed down in the lowers by herself. Should I have left her alone? was what I was thinking most of the double, shaking, trembling, lost because I'm so hopeless when faced with someone who's broken down. But gradually, I came to a conclusion, which stated, what exactly I was going to do if or when something like this ever happens again. Not just what I should do, but what I could do, what I was able to do as the person I am.
Recently, I've been shitting myself in the head about how useless I am for being there for someone, mainly that one friend. I was thinking about shit like: there's so much I could be doing, I should do, what other people can do which I can't, why? But then I came to realize, ok, whatever, take and chill pill and a bucket of ice cubes to dunk your head in.
I regret that I can't be someone who will always know what to say, when to say it, what to do, when she's like that. But even more, I shouldn't be just standing there, watching her like a dumb duck, not saying anything because I'm afraid anything I'll say will just make it worse, and crying myself in front of her which will just make her sad and cry even more.
I regret that I can't be strong like someone who knows what she really needs, who is stubborn enough to help her up. But I thought over what I could do, something I could do without feeling helpless, and though it's not exactly that which I mentioned, I know that if it ever happens again, I'll know what to do. Then I'll be able to do something.Anything.
So that's about it, and after I cried out about ten years worth of fear and shit (I asked Mika if it was weird that I was crying, and she was like: ngaww that's sweet, like a boyfriend to a girlfriend. And I was like, wut?? LOL what a winner), I suddenly felt significantly lighter, and happier, and I wasn't really quite sure why, because that bad things were still there.
Even when I got my 3U exams back which were so bad for me (though I expected it kinda?) that I technically normally would have started crying, I didn't. Why? Because just mere hours ago, I was crying over something way more important. And technically maths was my own fault, but mainly because I realised there really were bigger things in life which I wouldn't hesitate on choosing over.
Although the post-getting-exams-back period is when Silvia is the utmost tactless person ever, but on well.
Plus, Pim got her wallet back this afternoon, which I'm sure added shit to her stress, through the fucking mail, so things couldn't look any fucking better.