9:38 PM, Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2011
I went to english tutor (private) for the first time yesterday and afterwards, up until this very moment, I have never felt as much stress as I felt today for an incredibly long time.
Honestly, I never wanted to go, it's just that my parents wanted me to do it because for some reason, even though they don't believe in tutoring, my english marks are so bad, that they're willing to pay $100 an hour for private tutoring. I honestly think it will not work. Not only that, but the guy has one heck of a narcissistic and arrogant personality, and a shiny bald head.
First of all, it's private. Me. Getting privately tutored. That's like putting a rabbit in the same room as a rooster. The bird just won't shut up and I really just want to ignore him. I hate it. I'm a child ok? I don't talk to people, I'm immature, I lack self-confidence but I'm satisfied with where I am because I'm at my own fucking pace.
But just going through one hour, I felt so utterly stupid, like the dumbest shit in the world. I discovered that I was worse off at english than I thought I was, and that fuckign stressed me out. I was fine ignorant and believing I could just get through the HSC with where I was, because I wasn't expecting anything from english. But now, I feel like I'm truly fucked, all this resolve I had created for myself was blown away and all day I was stressing out so fucking much, I couldn't do anything at all.
Stress stress stress and so tired I fell asleep so many times today.
And it's like, I want to say to the guy, I'm sorry I can't meet your expectations, I'm a dumb shit, even though I go to my school, I'm not bright at all, there is no hope for me, you'll only be disappointed. I hate people who readily expect great things from me, because I know I'm not that kind of great person. So I cut those expectations down because I do them all a favour by preventing them from being disappointed.
I'm not someone like that. Even though I go to this school, I'm not especially intelligent or bright or nice or open or knowledgeable. I'm none of that. I'm average, I'm occasionally good at maths, history because I love it, Japanese because it's my preferred learned language, I'm horrible at english. I know all this, I've accepted it, I've understood it. Even though I look pretty (being vain here) or cute or friendly or cool or sweet, I'm none of that. I'm not especially friendly, in fact I'm not sociable at all. I hate it when guys come up to me thinking I'm going to be another one of those funny nice girls but I'm not, and when they find out, it doesn't disappoint them as much as it disappoints me.
Why can't I be the person other people want me to be? In fact, I never seem to be what other people expect of me. Even you don't expect anything, what people think of me doesn't change. I don't have an impression because I'm not that person. Stop it. Just stop it. I'm just me. Just don't expect anything.
I hate people who judge. Every time someone judges me, I myself become more judgmental. Sorry I can't be a funny person, a great person, the person you want me to be. I'm probably over exaggerating, but last night just re-brought all these fears to the surface again. I feel, just when I've crawled out of my burrow and started walking on the land underneath the sun, inevitable shadows shoving me back into that hole in the ground. It took me so long to escape from my the suffocating hands of my parents, my friends, my schoolmates. I've come to hate myself again, hate my actions, my way of thinking, my life, who I am.
English tutor has got to be the worse thing that could have happened to me since my life turned to the better last year.
From this, I've come down to a conclusion, something that will hopefully save me from the darkness. Next week, I'm going to become so horrible, I'm going to cut down those expectations, cut them down to the stump and then unroot them and pour acid into the soil.
I'm very angry right now, as you can see, and it might be because I'm on my period, I haven't had enough sleep, I'm stressing about school work which I'm procrastinating, or I just can't stand my parents sometimes. I feel like crying because I feel so, so alone, because I know it's me who has to grow up and pull myself together. But seeing all these people like my friends, my brother, everyone I know, they can just handle things so well. What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? Stop babying yourself and FUCKING GET TO WORK. FUCKING DO SOMETHING. Do anything.