12:10 PM, Friday, Dec. 31, 2010
Do I feel any different? Well it's not like a feel any different today compared to yesterday. But if I look back and compare myself today with who I was last year on this day, I'll probably say I have changed. Although not by much.
Having been born on this day, is different I suppose. During the year, I already thought of myself as 16 or 17, because everyone around me is like that. And when I remembered that I was still 15, I was sort of amazed that I'm still so young with so much to learn.
The day after is New Years, and I usually have my resolutions set vaguely in my mind. I associate my birthday with New Year's. So whenever I have a birthday, it's sort of like saying, this entire year has ended, and the number of my age increasing, signifies that it's another year concluding, passing onto a new one.
Does that make sense?
But truthfully, especially this year, I've come to realize how every day is just like any other day. Today also, I spend it just like yesterday and the day before. Even the day, 'New Year's' is nothing special, since we created time and gave it names.
Recently, though I have thought about this for many years now, I've come to fear aging. I'm so afraid of getting older, of time passing by, not quickly, but inevitably. I wish I could freeze it, but its not like time is an object. It's just a word to describe each day passing by. That scares me even more--that each day is inevitably coming; it's just a cycle that keeps moving despite your happiness, your pain, your sadness, your actions.
It's not like I wasn't aware of this before. But the problem is that the idea has become scary to me, and I don't know why. Maybe because I can already see high school ending, this thing which holds my life together, which is my life, and that this time next year, my entire life will be completely different and changed, and I'll never be able to go back.
I'm so scared, that I haven't done everything I wanted, that I've wasted these short and best and peaceful years of my life. I shouldn't be thinking this, because I've definitely had so much fun this year, with no regrets. I guess I just want this blissful time to last a little longer than it will.
Although I suppose life (this word means so much) is so wonderful because it is fleeting. And so we can only desperately chase after it.