7:18 PM, Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2010
I'm listening to my parents repeat those exact same words to my brother. It's the same tone, the same topic, the same purpose behind the words, yet when they're not directed to me, they seem so weak. But I know it isn't like that. And so I'm repeating two words in my head directed right at them, but at least I can ignore it, instead of just trying to fight back, which never, ever works out because they will ignore everything except for their own words and thoughts. Perhaps that's why we're so passive? But then again, we can get pretty fucking agro over the littlest things at times.
And you know, you believe them, you think you're nothing, you find yourself unable to do everything you're able to, you give up, you feel hopeless, although it's not shown on the outside, you feel like you're life is a fuck and it's all your fault, and it's all because you didn't study, you stay on the computer too long, you long for things that the other kids have, you want to do things that you 'can't.'
Since I'm older now, I know exactly what happens during school, and I can say that years 7-11 really do not count a fuck. You can spend your entire first five years doing absolutely nothing, because none of it counts. Those report marks? I don't even fucking care. Will I carry on the burden of getting a C in geo in year 8? Will I carry the shame in getting 59 for Physics? Fuck no, I'll remember them because they're the only things that are memorable. So I'm sorry if it doesn't scar my life like you thought it would.
We're not going to lose the chance of finding a 'high' job if we don't study the stupid things we learn in year 8. I'm having more trouble looking for what I want to do, than actually studying for anything. Fuck you, you are the most stressful annoying thing I have ever got to experience in my entire life.
You know, probably about 50% or more of these entries are probably about my parents and how fucking stupid they are, and fucking horrible they are, and how fucking annoying they are. I think of the future--a lot--and all I can think of is if I'm capable of moving out A.S.A.P.
I mean, I guess it's the generation gap, and what we experience differs. But you know, they hardly even try to understand. It's like it's just in one ear, and out the other. I understand everything they do to me, although they don't agree, yet they don't understand anything I do. They don't know why I like the things I like, they don't even know what the things I like are.
It's the future.. ah it's all about the future. Fuck you, don't ruin my future and my present, just so you can have your own vision of my future because yours is already over. Where the fuck are we going, why the fuck do I need to swear so much in here yet not in real life, why the fuck can't I get along with anyone, why the fuck am I so insecure, why the fuck am I doing this, why the fuck do I write long ass entires filled with absolute shit but I still feel a need to type in every single insignificant thought I have.
FUCK YOU ARGH.
The only thing I have to save me is my new music. Cover it up, cover it up, drown it out, drown out that horrible screeching voice which I have taken after whenever I scream because it's the only way I can feel like I'm not being shouted down. There is no escape, it's so helpless, where do I go? You're my only place yet you are the equivalent of nothing. I feel like crying, because there's nobody else, nothing else, and nobody cares. I need to turn it to full volume because just thinking about it makes my hearing suddenly more acute and I can hear you above everything, through my defenses. I need help, save me, somebody come out of my daydreams and fucking pull me out. I can't breathe.