3:01 PM, Saturday, Aug. 07, 2010
There were three things I had to talk about, but I can only remember two, and I will only talk about one. I am in the process of making a new layout and there's something wrong with it because I'm trying to figure out how to get consistency between browsers. You don't really need to know about all these little details that I write about all the time but I do anyway, even though later on I feel so bored reading my own thoughts. It would be great if I could have three different sub-diaries so I can sort out my entries into thoughts, rants, recounts and daydreams. I read through a couple of entires from a year ago and I feel so strange. Then a year before, and I feel even stranger.
I wonder if it would have been better off if I had stayed as I was before, unknowing and satisfied. Knowing makes me feel better because I'm not as ignorant or in the dark as before, but then knowing is so much of a burden. Because even though now I know, I can't or won't or am too afraid to do anything about it, so I'm just the same as before, except now I know betterdifferent.
And maybe what I think I know, isn't really anything at all, because... I would've been just fine without knowing. Or would I? Essentially, it's actions that count, so nothing has changed. So am I really any happier or better off, or maybe there is no better off, I'm just on this path that all distressed teenagers go through, thinking they feel like they've reached an early midlife crisis, when there are worse things out there. What the fuck am I talking about? I swearing too exessively nowadays, I think it's because I can't express myself that well, so I end up swearing to do that.
School sucks the life out of me. I'm bright and warm on Monday, but somewhere in the week, I just lose all determination and perserverance, and I'm just waiting for the week to end so I can catch up with everything on the weekend. At home, in my bed, alone. Although that's where everything just accumulates and I feel like fucking up my face. I can't even describe it, but the feeling is so strong and it gets stronger by the week, and I feel like jumping off a cliff to get rid of it.
Everything is endless or pointless more like. I am constantly daydreaming about another life. I am constantly thinking about what I look like to others. I am constantly eating when I shouldn't be. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating, under my bag, under my books, under my friends, under everything. And then I wonder if they're really my friends, or if I'm pretending to fill up their image of who I am to them.
I hate school so much. Studying, teachers, students, my fucking school building, the bus stop, the corridors, the heaters, the city in general, uinversities, work, taxes (Wtf?), office worker, money, incomes, jobs, suits. It's all fucked up, I swear. I wish I had the guts slash talent to just live off some bullshit thing like music or ballet, or writing, because then I can dedicate my entire life to it. I need to keep my mind busy so much more. If I'm doing something, e.g. maths homework, playin piano, reading manga, then I can jsut sink in it, and think of nothing else.
I thought of becoming Christian, then I'd have something to live for, something to tell me what to do. Is that the easy way out? I'd be a positive person, I'd go to Church, I'd live on morals and the bible, and pray and be grateful. I used to get narcicistic and pessimistic mixed together, but you know they really are just the same. To me at least. When did the rules become so blurry and bendable, and yet is it really a free world? I don't know what to do anymore, and it feels like none of the small things make me happy anymore.
When did things become so complicated. I wish I could be a simpleton for my entire life. I know once I get out of school, I'll regret thinking this way. You realize all these things in high school, it's where you change, where you become yourself, where you can re-invent or find yourself. But it is so, so, suffocating. The people you meet you'll see every day and I just think I'm sick of seeing them again and again, nothing ever changing.
I need a life. I should get a job.