5:55 PM, Friday, Jun. 25, 2010
My report came out yesterday, and I have never been so disappointed in myself in a long, long time. Or more scared of my parents reaction. I'm not going to say how bad I did, but I am honestly so disappointed in my marks, every single subject.
I'm sad and disappointed at how little support I have from my parents, from my friends, but I know that only I can understand myself and how I'm feeling--I shouldn't expect others too. And most of all, I am so disappointed at myself for not trying at all, not studying, thinking I could easily pass by life like I had previously. This is definitely a kind of wake up call for me.
I'm going to start working hard. I'm going to pick up reading again, doing my maths homework everyday, avoid procrastinating assignments and actually do/hand them in, look after myself, work toward my goals, learn to become more independant, and actually do what I set out to do. Or so I say. Hopefully I can keep this up for more than a week, or else I'll seriously fail the HSC.
I've been daydreaming quite a lot lately. Especially this term, maybe it's a new way for me to escape from reality. I daydream about what my life would be like after its lucky break, after I meet someone amazing, do something amazing, become someone significant. I convince myself in my head that I am meant for amazing things, that one day, I'll have everything I ever wanted.
But I think I was just trying to run away from what I had to do. I was being lazy, justifying myself in any way possible. I'm not anyone special, I don't have a talent, a skill, a passion, or anything like that. So I have to work hard. I can't wait for something to happen, because it never will. Nothing will come if I don't work hard for it. I need to change this mindset of mine.
And show my parents my report.
I am seriously scared for my life.