7:31 PM, Friday, Jun. 18, 2010
...when you think your little brother has already outgrown you, you go into the shower afterwards when it's your turn, and on the still-condensed screen you see the most retarded smiley face in the world, but you recognise it as the face which is drawn on the wall next to you bed.
...when you think you finally did something that had an impact, if the slightest, on the crisis that is your life, Monday comes around and the week follows as if nothing had ever happened, as if all your effort was pointless, as if all the tears and the confessions were to waste away in your memories.
...you wonder for the million billion trillionth time how or why you (still) laugh at the lameness of your friend, even though it's usually lame enough to cringe at, and sometimes it doesn't even reach lame, and yet you still laugh with/(at) her like you're just laughing at how good it is to just be friends.
...when you think nobody notices, nobody knows, but if you just asked, you'll find out different, and even though sometimes the only things you can find to talk about are past memories and trivial things, all you need to do is just ask that one question and you see that you're not alone.
...when you feel like you've finally changed for the better, you suddenly realise that you're not any better at all, that it didn't make a fucking difference and you're still the same in the end, even though you thought, you said, you were different.
...when you feel like the world hasn't changed a bit, that it's still moving at the slow pace it always is, that the inevitable can't stop, and that it's pointless to try to stop it, when you feel like that... what can you do?
Are we waiting for something to happen, or have we stopped waiting altogether, and now we're just pretending to wait? Our expectations are dropping, not because we're afraid to be disappointed again, but because we can no longer care. What's happening to us? Where did we go wrong?
It's even worse when you haven't gone wrong anywhere at all, you're doing this just normally, and what's happening now was always going to happen--that's the saddest epiphany.
Some things never change.