1:20 PM, Saturday, May. 29, 2010
It's true, I'm feeling detached from everything and everyone now. Not because I want to... I think... but because I feel the need to. I don't know, have you ever got that feeling that you've gotten so close to someone, you don't know how to be normal around them any more?
I hate the feeling of me having to rely on someone. I hate knowing that I need other people. Not that I hate being friends with someone or being close with them, but I really hate being... clingy.
And you know I keep thinking that if I were to get into a relationship with a guy, I'd probably be jetting off every other day. And sort of like how guys don't like clinginess, I don't like it much either. But if it's like that, then the relationship probably isn't going to work out. All the nice guys would ditch me because I'm not serious enough, all the guys that WOULD stay with me will be dickheads and assholes who'd probably cheat in front of my face because I wouldn't care.
I think this is what's called fear of commitment. Well it would be my reason for it anyway. I hate it how girls would cry over a guy, or how people would put everything on the line for their partner. Well I admire their feelings, but I'm a pessimistic person. I don't think it's better to have loved and lost. I'm too protective over myself.
I really looked up to marriage and living and loving one person for the rest of your life. But I'm so... I've become a person who doesn't believe in love. Well I don't know, maybe tomorrow or next year I'll believe differently, but these are just some of my fears now.
And I think, the relationship I'll probably feel satisfied with, or pull me in seriously, would be a kind of dark, twisted sort of love. I don't know, it seems so much more stable to be with someone who you can both drive each other deeper and deeper into a dark hole where you won't be able to go back.
Anyway back to the point.
So I'm feeling like I should try distancing myself from my friends. Not really distancing, but not be so annoying, so I can be equally nice and open to everyone. So I can be a positive person, and push away all my negative feelings and just become happy. Although like this, I don't think I can get close to anyone, but I don't think... I want to any more. It's too... annoying and stressful and though I love the feeling of being somebody someone can trust, I'm too lazy.
So if you get the question, would you rather be loved by everyone, or only be loved by the person you love, and you only get one pick, what would you choose? At the moment, I'd pick, loved by everyone. Because... I'm pessimistic and I don't think one person's love can ever by enough to satisfy me.
But we'll see.
Fingers crossed.