8:27 PM, Sunday, Apr. 25, 2010
Listening to: The Great Escape--Boys Like Girls
Flashback, summer holidays, when I finally stepped into the world of superficiality, when I felt as if I had to catch up with everyone, with everything. I had to do everything I could at once. I had to aim for those things that 'everyone else' was doing. I was ten steps closer to realizing what I wanted, compared to a year ago, and yet I was also five steps too far ahead.
Flashback, February, I thought everything was about social status, what I was wearing, what others were wearing, partying, going out with boys, drinking alcohol, doing shit. I thought I was wasting my teenage life away by not doing all this 'cool' stuff.
Flashback, March, I stepped back about seven steps and thought to myself, wow is that me? Was I really that crazy? There's nothing wrong with taking it nice a slow. I'm such a loser for thinking of trying to be 'cool.' Why can't I be like everyone else? Why do I have to be so messed up and self-conscious?
Flashback, autumn holidays, step into another new world won'tcha?
Flashback, Term 2, April. I think I'm just growing and growing by the month. I feel myself changing, becoming wiser, somewhat more accepting, and yet, more firm. Like I'm suddenly grown up already. Like the littlebig (don't underestimate what they could be) things that used to cut me, that kind of stuff doesn't matter anymore.
I can walk through a whole corridor with its walls lined up with paintings and paintings of my old enemies, old weaknesses and old fears, march proudly by, meeting their eyes. If that analogy makes sense, it means I'm sort of laughing at my previous pettiness.
I'm sort of sad that I'm growing up, that I know better, but of course I'm proud that I'm maturing. Ergh. I know I've written about this a million times, but seriously, it amazes me, how much I'm changed, in a good way.
I remember, I've been through phases of what type of person I wanted to be. E.g. sarcastic person, emo person, gothic person, all-knowing person, person-with-an-annoying-voice-person, social person, smiley person, bitchy person, etc. But really, all I had to do was be myself. Literally. I finally get it. Well I still think there are some parts of me that I really wish wasn't like that. But, I think I know who 'I' am right now.
It's like, look back at primary school. I have changed, but there was my true self staring at me. I don't have to try to pretend to be, really outgoing, or really cool, or really funny or anything. I can still be polite, shy, sweet Eve that I used to be. Because that's my first reaction anyway. I should say, "used to be," but more like, "I always have been."
And it's not bad. Well my super introverted self is. But that side where I'm sort of putting up a guard, where I'm polite and nice and kind and sweet, it's not that bad. It's normal. It's okay. Why am I trying to hide it, or discard it away?
So yeah, I've found a way to retain 'myself' and still be flexible. I don't know if I'm right or if I'll find out that this is bullshit in a month's time, but I'm satisfied at where I am right now.
Taking it one step at a time :)