2:26 PM, Sunday, Apr. 18, 2010
Okay I'm really lazy right now so let's sum things up:
Youth was irritating to start of with. Went with Michelle and we just talked to each other (not really) and hung for a bit. She bumped into a friend, who happened to go to my school (year 10) so we were like.. yay... *friends-ish*
Boring at the beginning. Really gay all through bible-study, but well at least I got to see all the girls. Yeah..? Then at the end Michelle left early (called her mum because she was bored shit, she was like texting all through-out bible study man) and I covered for her. Then hung around Eatrend. Then some really nice people started talking to us and after the people thinned out, I talked to Jasmine and Jessica for a bit. Candis is really pretty. Those year 12 girls looked like freaking year7s man!!!!
Anyway the point is... it was nice to talk to people. I like the environment, where everyone seems to ignore social status, age differences, gender, and everyone is so nice. Is this what christian groups are like? I wish I grew up in it, I'd probably be a more smarter, open, happier, friendlier person, without judging people. I wish.
But I don't think I should keep going. Bible-study... not that it wasn't interesting, but the things they tell us, the things about God and stuff, it's like, to me, bullshit. I disagree with it. I'm cynical about it. After all, I don't believe in God. There probably isn't anyway to convert to it either, because I've thought to much about my beliefs already. I know what I believe in, I know what I don't.
I don't think I should be there... I don't want to go just for the social part, just to meet new people,because I'm not Christian. Feelings of meeting new people, can't compare with the feeling of guilt whenever they ask me, if I've been to Church before. When they ask me questions like, how does one sin against God? That we should put faith in him.
I'm sorry to Christianity, and if I'm wrong, sorry. But why should I put my faith in somebody I don't know? Did he die for us? Heck no. He might have died for somebody, but not me. With or without him, I probably would have existed anyway. Why should I trust this 'higher being' at all? Why is he the higher being? Why isn't it a she? Why hmm?
I understand God doesn't have to be a figure, a being, just...something for people to put their faith in. Something to give people hope, trust, happiness.
But that's not me. I can't help the way I am. What I need is to put faith into myself, work hard for myself, and to believe in myself. I can't give my all to someone or something else, without giving it all to myself.
So until then.