6:16 PM, Thursday, Mar. 18, 2010
You've been gone for two whole days diaryland! Gasp! It's only then, I realize how much I love you :)
I don't know, but my previous entries, you can totally tell how completely retarded I was. Sort of. It's not much of a chore, to write about stuff happening everyday anymore. After I got the idea of 'have to' out of my head, and just decided to stuff it, and use this as just a random thing for my utmost random feelings. After that, I've grown a nice new attachment to you :)
If you were to go, I'd feel sad. To lose it all. But, I don't think I'd be THAT sad. I mean, I've definitely changed since the first entry. It almost sort of feels like the past entries and everything I've previously written down, all of it just ties me down to my old self.
But then I love how entries pile up, a new one on top of another. And it's just like building yourself up. It's good :)
I know I've been drifting away from you a bit, but I think I appreciate you so much more than before. This is not a diary where I keep everything that has happened today. It's a diary where my feelings can be described, shown, expressed. Yes, that's the word: express.
If you died, for real, permanently, I probably wouldn't have learnt my lesson. I'd've probably started another diary, on some other very discreet and underrated blog site, where I can almost, start anew. Yes. Starting anew. It doesn't sound so bad now.
My past isn't to tie me down, to what I was. It's to show me who I have become now. Fucking changing self has entered my diary ;D
Anyway, you shouldn't feel so unnoticed. Lauren noticed you gone too. And that's Lauren. Lol. I'm quite surprised she was on here in the first place but, it's good to know you're loved.
Anyway. On a final note. I have this sneaking suspicion that Amanda reads my diary. For a while now, but it's come up rather spontaneously today, whatever that means. She IS the only one I intentionally showed this too in the first place, 4 years ago (Wow has it really been that long?)
IF it's true, and IF she's been reading about me, and IF she reads this (congrats on making it this far), I think, that's what I always wanted. I always wanted for someone to read this. I explained it in that written diary phase notebook I have. Everyone wants someone to read your diary, either now, or in the future.
So you're not lost. So you're not alone. So you're not going to be forgotten. However, being specifically secret gives writing much, much more freedom.
Argh this has just been an entry about bullshit. Point is... there is no point :P