7:29 PM, Thursday, Mar. 18, 2010
I hate parents.
It's like, they hold everything you've done wrong against you, just because they can. Because they can't get over it. Because they think your life is theirs. Because they think reminding you is going to make you feel guilty. Because they like to make you feel like that.
They think they know everything about you. And yet, all they know is your achievements, nothing of your personality, your likes, your dislikes, your feelings. When you change, they're surprised, and refer back to the past again. As if you're not allowed to change. Ever.
The only thing they're good for is that they're forced to put up with you. You can't choose your parents, so they can't really choose you. They can mould you, but in the end, you outgrow them. You get to talk to them about the most minuscule, insignificant, annoying, boring thing ever, and they have to listen.
Not that they'd give you good advice in return. They might even take what you said too seriously, the wrong way, or turn it into a whole different topic where it's pitted against you and the original point is completely ignored.
You want to talk to them, tell them about everything you did today, everything you learnt today, about how you feel about everything. But they won't understand like your friends do. They won't take it seriously. They'll label it as 'one of my kids stupid things,' and it'll show in their comments.
Everything not to say. Parents are experts at doing that.
I'm having a mini fit. I need to learn how to ignore them. But whenever I'm angry, they just provoke me even further with this stupid, pointless, and just wrong accusation, which makes me even more angry. It's like, do you WANT me to blow my fucking brain out trying to make you realize how fucking stupid you fucking are??
I can't do what I want because of you. I'm already a fucking cheap shithead, with no fucking life, with a fuckingest judgemental, sadistic, pessimistic, emtpy, scared chicken, materialistic and superficial personality. I'm too scared to try something, because money is always on my mind. I'm too afraid to do anything wrong, because I'm drilled into discipline (which I'm desperately trying to break out of).
Anything I'm interested in, you flip off, like it's a waste of time, like I should be doing some other better hobby like, dance or studying or some shit like that. You know nothing. You tell me to get off the computer, and yet you hate it when I talk about designing clothes. You hate it when I talk about wanting to buy and spend for myself, but what can I do? I'M A FUCKING GIRL.
I hate them so, so, so, so much.
Yet I'm so dependent on them, I hate it.
I push them as far as they can go, breaking my own principles, so I can blame my actions on brattiness, on forgetfulness, so they can tell me what to do. I won't try to learn to cook, to clean, because I'm just going to push it on you. Because you have to.
I'm an ungrateful daughter. But I wouldn't say your the most grateful parents either. You don't know how much you have until you've lost it, or met someone else who's way worse off than you.
Just because you are in that position, you think you can get away with you short-temper, your traditionality, your pride, your stupid fucking rules. But in reality, you're nothing but a hypocrite. Contradicting in every fucking way.
There are times I want to hit you so hard I make you bleed. There are times when I feel like breaking every fucking thing in the house, if I wasn't so cheap. There are times I wish that I was born into someplace else.
Everyone gets that. I have parents. That's the least I can ask for. I know, I'm being a bitchy daughter. I know I'm in this very crappy mood right now, and ranting these unreasonable things. It's not that I DON'T appreciate what they do for me. It's just that...they bring out the worse in me. I'm not like this usually, anywhere else but home. And it's because of you.
If we weren't related. If we were strangers. If we met as same-gen people. I don't think, there could be any way, that we would be friends. If I were able to choose, there would be no way, I'd choose to be with your type of person.
But because your my parents, I love you. Like you love me because I was a part of you. Because you have to. Because I'm 'yours.' Because I'm your KID.
It's just... when I was in my younger junior years, the reason why I wanted to move out, was because it seemed cool. That was the main reason. I wanted to experience it, to live with a friend, to share rent, to live on my own temporarily.
But now? The bigger reason of why I want to move out is because of you guys. I want my independence. I want the pressure to survive on my own. I don't want to depend on you. I don't want you to control me. I want to move about freely. I want to step into hurtful fires, so I can actually burn, so I can keep the scars for myself. So I'm not just your daughter. So I can grow up.
I know I suck at this.
Remedy: Yaoi