3:50 PM, Saturday, Feb. 20, 2010
Hi there. Long time no see. AGAIN. I don't know, perhaps, I've just gone into another year of diary-neglecting again. I know I shouldn't be doing this. But how come when I was neglecting you in year 9 I didn't worry about you this way? I didn't feel rushed and feel like my youth is disappearing?
Right now, after attempting to play some guitar tabs (one of my new hobbis is guitar xD) I come across this song on my top played list on my ipod. Breath of the Moon--the Japanese song from somewhere which I found most randomly when I first got my ipod.
It's so nostalgic. I don't like it as I did before, but it's still a beautiful song. And... I can remember glimpses of my old self. When I still listened to Jap songs and slept with my iPod and watched anime and somehow I feel sad.
This is year, I'm different. I can feel it. I've definitely changed since last year and I've been thinking its a good thing. However, listening to this song, makes me miss the old me. Sure I was a loser, sure I had no life, sure I was an otaku, but... somehow I didn't worry like I do now.
I've always known I was superficial, materialistic, but I guess I always tried to deny it before. I never acted on it. Maybe I'm finding it an excuse to do what I want now. But isn't doing what I want meant to be happy for me? Then why don't I feel as easy as I was back then?
Back then I knew I was ruining my life.
Back then I knew I was wasting my life away.
Back then I knew I needed to change badly.
But now... I don't know.
Now, I feel the need to do everything, at the same time, all the time, doing something, or else I feel... restless.
Now, I feel like I'm so much more confident, but at times, I feel so much more pessimistic and worse.
Now, I'm matured... and I'm glad for that... but somehow... I'm not happy.
Not knowing where I could be better off might make one happy. But then, I want to know where I could go, what I could become. This endless list of wants and needs is just becoming more evident to me, and it's so hard.
Maybe this is why no one wants to grow up. Why must we grow up? But I have to, I'm old enough to grow up, I'm old enough to be cool, enough to be mature and act like an adult.
Oh. My. God. Two years ago, I knew I still wanted to be a kid, but now I"m thinking, I wouldn't even mind be me two years ago. Wow. What is this.
I take a step back and what do I see? When did I become so complicated? It's not just this summer (which I didn't write about at all so you might not actually get my change..) but also everyday inbetween.
I was changing, growing up, and I didn't even know it. But what is this, why am I realizing this? What's the point of writing it down? Admitting it? Discovering it? What's the point? I feel like it'll only make me worse up knowing things.
For the first time in my life, I truly believe, ignorance is bliss.
And the song playing in the background right now: Mad World. How very fitting.
Somehow, I feel like crying. Crying inside. Crying outside is sad, but crying inside is even sadder. Because it's not painful enough to cry outside, yet it's not insignificant enough to end.