10:44 PM, Saturday, Jan. 30, 2010
Okay so I say year 11 is fun. But school is definitely not. I feel sort of empty. More so than I did after going out with friends and stuff. It's so weird. Was I always like this. I knew I had small moments, but they were so, easily covered by bursts of moments of glee and laughter.
But somehow, school isn't as fun as it used to be for me. It feels sort of incomplete, unsatisfactory, empty.
Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other in a while, but we haven't been talking quite closely with each other as before. When I'm in the room, I sit by myself and just swing my legs, and think. Nothing to talk about, nothing to think about. Just not in the mood for small talk.
What did we used to talk about? What did I like to say and stuff? I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm drifting from my group, but I don't want that, but I don't know what I really want.
Fun fulfilling moments include:
>Me and Jot talking about going out on Saturday and how to get Ticky off our backs (sorry Ticky, you weren't meant to come and it was all like bleh) but we ended up by the window of the classroom, just chatting about stuff.
>Talking with Brigette and Rita and JoT and stuff on platform 24/25 on Friday afternoon. Feels good for some reason.
One thing... I think I want to meet new people. I want to try being a new person. Not like new, new, but like a better, senior type of person? Yeah.
There are 23 new girls in the grade. Surprising, it doesn't feel that different. In fact, they're actually okay. I thought they would change our entire grade, but it's not like that. Instead, it sort of feels like they really don't fit in. Most of them anyway.
I've seen a couple around in my classes, but it's hard to see them all, because it's not like junior years, or even year 10. So little classes, and they're all different, and they're all so small and it's just too weird. No one interacts. It's purely, your group only. It's so... ergh.
But there's like a new white girl in my maths class (Ms. Malucas' daughter I think) and one in our Jap class... AMAZING!!!! She looks nice :) I really want to talk to one, but I never really... do you know? Ticky had two girls Mary and Christine tag along for a while. But that failed.
Because she didn't introduce them or something, so our group basically regarded them as randoms and we didn't talk to them at all. I didn't... maybe I should have... but I'm that type of person that won't say anything if I'm with someone else. So basically, I'm not going to talk to you unless I'm alone with you. Sorry. It's just too weird.
But anyway, I feel like i'm drifting. It's all so weird. I'm finally in Amanda's class (maths) and I finally see the mask she puts on. It's so strange. Amanda. Put on a mask. I feel so, so, sorry... sympathetic? Does that work? But its so weird, I hate school how people just turn into freaks when they get back. We need it so much, and yet it changes us, makes us different people.
Amanda is one of those people I really admire, look up to, sometimes confide in and all. So I was truly shocked when I saw how she is in school. Truly. Or it could be me just being up myself, thinking I know Amanda...?
Fuck I don't want this. I want things to be back to normal. Why am I feeling this way. What am I expecting?
Something fun? Something interesting? Something wild? Something different? Something to draw me out from my chickenness and just make me a baaad girl? Lol. I wish.
Anyway, on another note. I forgot to add in the last entry, because of my strange Jap class, we are the only people in the entire grade to have our free period on Thursdays period 6, after lunch. Wtf are we meant to do, sit around doing nothing? GAY SHITS!
Eveyrone else gets their free period on Wednesday, last period, so they get to leave early. Omfg, I can't believe I got stuck in the fucking minority.
FML!!!