8:57 PM, Friday, Nov. 20, 2009
I want to cry.
My eyes are already tearing up.
I can't do it.
I want to just break down and cry.
It's that one song. I made like two mistakes per bar, like 60 mistakes in the entire song, if I'm lucky. If I'm not, I probably pause into the song like 10 times.
I can't do it.
Oh look two tears just dropped down from my eyes.
I know that song is what is definitely going to make me fail. If it isn't my shat scales, or my shitty sight reading, or my dodgey general knowledge or the incompleteness of my other songs, it will be that one stupid song.
The only reason why I chose it was because it was short. It looked easier. But hell, it sounds like shit, took me ages to just play it all right, and I just can't do it.
I'm missing the chords, I'm pressing the wrong keys, the beat is just so, so off. I can't play the little extra notes for shit. I can't do the fucking song.
I know I'm going to fail tomorrow.
I really tried just then you know. I played every song until I felt it was next to perfect. But that one song, no matter how many times I play it, it just gets worse and worse each time.
Don't you just hate it when that happens? When instead of getting better, you get worse? It happens to me all the time.
And the heat is unbearable. It makes my fingers slip on the keys. I'm stressing inside and pleading with my mind at my fingers, at the piano, at the song. But everytime, I just can't do it.
I know I'm going to fail. I just know it. And I'm so scared.
I want to just curl up into a ball and cry.
A thought crossed my mind: I wish I could talk to my parents about it. About my fear of failing. About how crappy I've been playing. But they don't even notice at all.
They don't notice how I'm pounding at the piano in despair. How my songs are tripping and definitely not up to scratch. How I started crying while rushing downstairs to type this up. When tears fell down my cheeks, and they were sitting right next to me, talking to each other.
They don't notice a thing. But then again, maybe I don't really want them to. Because I know all they're going to say is, you better not fail. You better practice like shit. You better pass. I know you will pass. Because if you don't, I will kill your freedom. I will kill your happiness.
Because, it's never really happened before you know? It's true, I have never been in such a bad position before, right before an exam. They can't imagine it happening, because it's never happened before. But I can. I can feel the very jaws of failure clawing at my feet, and it will devour me tomorrow.
Maybe it's because of everything that's happened. But I know I've only got myself and my lack of practice throughout this year to blame.
But I am seriously afraid. I'm scared of what my parents will do once they know I failed. Everything is happening remember? The formal. What will they do then? They definitely won't let me buy a new dress.
And if that happens, the formal will be my biggest nightmare. All those weeks of planning and fun deciding to go or not, what to wear, what to buy, how to get there, who's going, etc. All a waste.
So I don't know what I'm really afraid of, my parents, or ruining the formal. Maybe both.
I know the simple answer is practicing. But it's not working. It's that stupid song. If that song weren't there, I'm sure I'd be better off. But it's too late yeah? I changed songs like 408432 times before I got this shitty song.
And I don't think practicing will every hope. Because my motivation is non-existant. Because I hate the bloody song. Because my heart isn't in the piano anymore.
Oh look, my tears have dried up, I'm not crying anymore, which is a good thing. I need to hold it all back so nobody will know.
Thank you diary, for always being here for me to rant to. You're probably the only thing I consult my feelings with properly. Sort them out. Write them down. Lay them out in front of me. I really appreciate it.
Sad I'm talking to a text of my own words.