7:12 PM, Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009
I'm so stressed out. Work experience is tiring, in many ways. One, it's full on child labour (lol jokes but yeah prepping is hard work =() and my parents are like omg what a shitty place, you should've gone to Tower Street. But I think I'd rather have come here though, because it's pretty cool, despite the labouring work =P
But anyway, and its like what? Nine to five? Like, eight hours? And two hours of travel? Fucking ten hours and it's like omg, not time for rest. I feel so sorry for those who work now, and my parents and omg, I just wanna go back to school T_T
And I'm sick. Maybe this is what's making it worse. I'm sick, from fucking Jaya, whose body doesn't react as badly as I do. I mean, my nose runs at like 1324234 litres per minute when I'm sick you know? Argh.
And I don't have time to do anything at home. Because it's all like, home, shower, dinner, piano, email jot, check fb, write in diaryland if i can, and yeah. Well emailing JoT takes the longest, like an hour or something, and I've been putting it off. Yesterday I just saved it to finish today. But I feel so bad, because I'm so sick and stressed, I'm only answering less than half the amount she's sending over to me. I feel like such a bad friend.
And then I have piano. Piano exam on Saturday. Piano lesson tomorrow, which means I have to leave work early. And I'm so screwed for the exam. My general knowledge is a mess, and my scales suck shit and so does one of my songs. But I'm also spiteful to my piano teacher for starting this too late for me. I mean, at one stage, I spent 10 weeks doing the same thing over and over again with no progress. I mean, if she had started earlier, than maybe I'd be more fucking prepared you know?? Omg.
Then I have formal next week which is a fucking fail. I've got shoes, the travel, the planning, the before and after, but I haven't got a fucking dress!! I know right?? And it's next fucking Wednesday!!! Omg, I probably have to find a dress this Saturday after piano less, or before, but I have to search LIKE HELL. Because it has to be under $50, and nice, and fitting to my flat chest, and ergh. Maybe if I had boobs, I would've found one faster.
But then again, parents will probably only let me buy a new dress if I pass piano. Which I'm so scared I won't, because I"m so unprepared, which means that mum might force me to wear one of Aunt Grace's dresses, which are like... ok. But they're fuck ugly and plain and not teenage and young you know? No offence, but they're like for old, super formal, adult balls or something.
See, I'm really, really stressed out with all this happening. I only explain like half the problems at half the information to a selection of people, mainly Jaya, because she's the only one I see this week. I keep everything in, but I'm really, really, really stressed out. And I just want someone to care you know? I know it's too much to ask for, my troubles are hardly anything except my own faults, but I can't do this.
I hate it sometimes when my parents and friends sometimes 'comfort' me by telling me it was my fault, and you'll do better next time, and it's a stupid thing to be stressed over, and you have back ups, and you WILL pass because I can't imagine anything else, and you should have done this instead. All I want is just a hug and maybe a pat on the back. Maybe a couple of words of sympathy.
I can't always stay or pretend to stay on my feet you know?
Like on Sunday, my mum just cut my fringe, in the fucking ugliest way. It's too thin, it's not even even, and the opposite ends are cut in the wrong way. So I cried. I just full on cried. I know I never thought I'd cry over losing like 1 inch of my hair, but it's my fringe. And it looks like my mum blindly cut it. I begged her to not cut it this short, to just trim the fucking fringe, BUT SHE IGNORED ME ANYWAY.
I knew I was never going to let my mum cut my hair. But every time, just like this, her words find their way to my head, and I just slip, I just trust her for this TINY thing, and she promises me these things that I want. And yet, she breaks it EVERY TIME. The promises, the trust. I hate it so much. I think that's why I cried so much that night. Because she would always lie to me and I believed her fake words anyway, even though I knew it would happen.
I feel like so fucking shit. And I hate it when nobody knows. Maybe it's because, when I meet my friends, I push it all away and I be happy for those moments. When I'm with my family, they barely notice anything emotionally wrong with me, because they believe I'm strong enough. Even to myself, whenever I lose it, I convince myself that everything will work out in the end. I hate sharing, because doing that will just make me a fucking complainer who only complains about her stupid life.
This is the secret to my non-caring, my blase attitude. Doesn't it ever seem to anyone I only half the smallest things to worry about? Do they ever think that? That I just breeze through life? My only worries are barely comparable to theirs?
Well so what if they're small and trivial. To me, they're the biggest troubles in the world. But I don't want anyone to know just how weak I am, how petty I am, how superficial I am, how pathetic I am. I hate it, I will hate it if someone seriously calls me pathetic. Because it's a word I dread hearing the most.
I'm not pathetic. Is what I wish I believed.
I hate this week so so so so much. Mainly because everything is just squashed together in one big go. Like, Hey Eve, can you handle this shit? No I can't so stop coming for me!
And I haven't even had my daily dosage of talking with Pim since Sunday. I think she's the one thing that keeps my sane sometimes. And it's only making this worse.