10:07 PM, Friday, Nov. 13, 2009
I'm a coward. I'm actually very, very, very scared of everything. The realization just suddenly came to me in the car.
I mean, I'm always saying, try this, try that, do everything you fucking can with everything you got. Don't let anything pass you by. Seize the day. I wish I remembered the latin for that. I'm always telling people to do that. I'm always telling people that that is what I'd do. That only stupid scared people do nothing.
But the truth is? I might think I'll do something amazing, but when the time comes, I'll forget all the mottos I've set for myself, and my instincts come out. My freakish shy, cowardly instincts that I thought I had conquered ages ago, will just come out and I'll freeze and the moment will pass and then it'll be afterward when I think back and say to myself, why the fuck didn't I do something?
I'm always like, they'll be a next time, another time, and then I'll do it properly. But you know, somehow, for me it rarely if never comes again. I miss it, and I miss it forever. But I'm always too stupid to realize until after it comes.
I guess I'm afraid of nothing happening. Joanna and Ximia and Amanda and Lauren, they all have things that just happen you know? A&L I get they do it on their own. Ximia she half-does on her own, but she is an extremely lucky girl. But Joanna? She's like a fucking walking miracle on her own.
I get extremely jealous. That so much just happens. And sometimes I just can't believe it's entirely my fault for not starting anything. Sometimes, I get so frustrated inside that somehow I'm meant to lead an ordinary, eventless life all the way through to my death.
Yeah, I know I'm sounding like a bimbo when I'm saying this, but I can't help being a bimbo then. God. It's like, do I have to try a little harder than others to get what I want? So I'm not allowed to wait, while others can, I have to find it myself? Maybe it's my purpose, because I'm such a shy kid for waiting for everything, it's all just a test to break me out of my shell.
Bullshit.
I hate how normal I am. I hate it how I hate my normalness.
My life is simple, it's filled with friends, family, love, fun, procrastinating, freedom, growth, inspiration, epiphanies, and happiness. There are no boys, no family problems, no backstabbing friends, no terrible secret threatening to be revealed, nothing of the complicated sort. So should I really be asking for more?
It's just that when I find out about other people's problems, other people's life, I get so jealous. I find it ever so interesting, it's weird. I love listening to people talk about everything they find amazing about their life, because I've never experienced it before. And I want to.
So for me, every little thing there is that's different, out of the ordinary, a little change from my everyday routine, I write it down, I remember it, I think back to it. Because I only have these little things to treasure, to worry about, to own for myself.
Maybe that's why I'm such a sentimental person. I remember I used to keep bead charms made from friends in primary, purely for the fact because I've never owned any type of jewellery before. I've loved beads and craft since childhood, but I've never gotten the chance to make it for myself. So I'll hold it close to me, keep it in my box of all sorts of assorted things, and look back at it.
And I don't get why my parents don't understand it when I do this. Is it that you don't care? Isn't it valuable to you at all? When you were little, everything seemed like the world to you. Your family, your school, your class, to you, the world just revolved around you. And then you grow up and you realize it doesn't.
I've realized it. And I hate it. I wish I could get back to being a kid. I don't miss the not having a care in the world, because I had just as many problems as I do right now. But back then, at least the problems I thought we're massive, were, in reality, just tiny, tiny pricks into my conscious. I wish. Everything back then was special to me.
I wish I could think that again. Maybe if I could appreciate things a bit more. What I have, how worse off I could be, how well I am, all the good things in life. I used to think like this. But then I met people, and human nature just can't help comparing oneself with others.
And now it's just wanting more and more. There will never be enough anymore.