4:42 PM, Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2009
So there's this thing. Lauren's 16th. Beach Party. Cronulla. Yeah I'm invited. But do I want to go? Straight up? No not really.
I'm not particularly fond of the beach you know? Actually I hate it, especially in hot weather. I'm ok with like England-like cold cloudy weather beaches, but that's about it. I hate sun and the sea. If I go, I'll prolly stay in the sand high and dry. So that's one reason.
Next, why don't I go for Lauren you know? As a good friend? Well, don't you think it'll just be a bit awkward with me there? Her group's going, and I am so sure if I go, I'll be left out or I'll be silent or I'll be stuck in a corner of sand or I just won't get what the fuck they're talking about because of their group's inside jokes or whatever. I know we have a lot of those.
So anyway yeah, I know that maybe some of them might nicely try make some conversation with me, like Lauren or Diana might randomly come up to me by themselves and try to make me feel in it, but I know that never works out because I'm too... introverted.
But then they say it's an open invitation for the entire group. I extremely doubt it'll happen though. We're not like them, one, we're twice their size, and two, none of us are really bothered you know? I know tonnes of us will have tutoring or sunday school or something, and then the other half will be like, nah, too far away. And then if we spend maybe like, a month talking about it, SOME of us will go, but probably not at this rate.
And even if we do go, let's say, Me, Pim, Shelley, Ticky, maybe Silvia, Cels, Phoebe and yeah? We'll be in our own little group in the background and we'll be talking like it's our own little party. It's not like we're not being nice and all, we're just like that.
And did I mention I hate beaches? It's the sun, the heat, the water, the sunburn, the being un-able to swim, the lingering smell of ocean water, the crowded people, the people in swimsuits, the people that seem like they're having so, so, so much fun--it just intimidates me you know?
I know it's not something to be afraid of, something that'll piss Amanda and Lauren off if I tell them about it, but I can't help it. I see people having fun and doing whatever, and I get critical and I start clamming up like I'm better than them. I'm insecure, self-conscious, self-centred, I can't do it.
I don't want to go. But I don't want to say it. And at the same time I guess? I do want to go.
I haven't been to the beach in ages, it looks like such fun and all. I want to see what it's like somewhere that's not near buildings and all. Somewhere where I can sit and it's all naturale. And I really want to go somewhere, instead of doing nothing all this time.
And something else? All my clothes are winter clothes. All of them I'm sure I'll sweat in in blaring hot summer sun heat.
Ergh. Stress.
On the other hand, School Cert major exams are all done, only computer skills tomorrow, and then afterwards I'm hopping over to Pim's place to watch YB because she has the GBs XD