8:59 PM, Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009
Every night slash evening, I'm always pissed. I always have to run to the tv room/parents room, jump onto the bed, and under the covers and have some fucking closing the eyes as if I'm trying to sleep time.
Fucking why?
Because of the bloody fucking piano.
I'm supposed to practice 1hr a day. Which I don't want to do, but I don't deny needing it. But I absolutely hate doing it.
I hate piano. I hate piano exams. I hate learning piano. I hate going to piano lesson to a piano teacher that barely listens to your songs, that barely controls what you're doing, that doesn't do anything until the very last minute when she had so, so much time before to start doing things.
I hate it how my parents don't know this. I hate it how they think we're the ones in wrong. I hate it how they force us to take fucking piano when I fucking hate doing it. I've been fucking complaining for two years. This year the most.
And yet can I quit? No. Every year, they say, no, you can quit next year. And look where I am now. 8th grade. What, so I can quit after 8th grade? THAT'S LIKE FUCKING SAYING YOU CAN QUIT SCHOOL AFTER FUCKING YEAR 12.
I hate it how they don't realize how much they're putting on us. It's fucking harder than it looks. Especially when we FUCKING HATE do not enjoy what we're doing.
I hate it how after I play piano for even FIVE minutes, for my exam practice, my eyes start getting sleepy like I'm tired and I have to force my eyes half-open to keep watching the keys. I lose concentration after three minutes and start thinking about other things after one.
And I hate it how my parents don't care about this at fucking all.
I hate it how they never notice that for every minute I play the piano, I get pissed and angry and moody for a minute after when I leave the piano. I hate it when they never notice this, when they're always complaining I'm too fucking pissed at nothing, when I'm fucking pissed at piano.
I hate it how they fucking blame us for not trying. It's not something i WANT to try for. If someone asked me, Do you enjoy playing piano? I hope my parents are there when I fucking say, NO I FUCKING HATE IT.
I hate my dad for fucking us up when the piano teacher says, "keep practicing. needs more work." That's fucking because we don't want to practice. That's fucking because we don't like it. That's fucking because the teacher left everything to the fucking last minute.
I hate my mum for telling us to fucking practice every fucking day. I hate it. It makes me loathe the very fucking expensive, giant, waste of time and money of an intstrument even more.
I don't fucking care if I fail the grade or not. I'm up to the point where I don't even care about the fucking exam. I wish I could just walk in and fuck things up. Fail the fucking stupid exam. I fucking wish.
I hate piano down to the fucking pedals.
I'm excessively swearing but it's true. It's not something I need, it's not something I want, it's not something I chose to do in the first place, it's a waste of MY time, not yours and it's just a stupid stupid fucking asian hobby.
I'm a fucking cliche.
I'm not usually an angry person. In fact, I RARELY ever get mad outside of my house. But at home, somehow, my parents REALLY tick me off. So does my brother, but my parents the most.
I'm not usually an angry person. When my parents make me angry after a stupid lecture or a stupid paragraph of speech, I WOULD get fucking over it after ten minutes. But them? They fucking shit on me for getting angry at them. Why the fuck am I not allowed to get angry? Do I not have a right to become angry? So YOU can get angry, hold that fucking grudge for an ENTIRE WEEK and I'm not allowed to be fucking angry for a fucking ten minutes?
When you're angry, we let you hold it out for ages, until you calm down. We go out of your way, we don't do anything to tick you off even more. But what about when we're angry? You go, be a fucking happy person, stop being so angry, angry people get pimples, angry people have no friends, angry people don't have a nice fucking spirit.
STOP LYING. I DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE. WHY CAN'T I GET ANGRY. WHY DON'T YOU ACCEPT THAT I'VE HAD A BAD DAY AND FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE? I LEAVE YOU ALONE, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TREAT ME THE SAME??
I hate it when you try to comfort me in the stupidest fucking ways. That is not comfort. That's telling me to shut the fuck up when I just want some time ALONE.
When I'm mad, I need time alone to calm down. Common sense no? SO WHY DO YOU KEEP FUCKING ME UP WHEN I'M ANGRY? I LIKE BEING ANGRY! IT'S FUCKING NATURAL! YOU CAN'T STOP ME!
I hate it how they don't realize that when they try to help me, they piss me off even more instead.