9:20 PM, Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009
Maybe it's because I shrug everything off. Anything I don't like, I'm scared of, I shut it out of my mind and give it the flick.
Maybe because of this, I neutralise my feelings too. I shut off all connected feelings to it, I don't think I even connect any feelings to it in the first place.
As soon as it happens, I categorise it as, it's in the past. Why should I care.
Sure I get sad and scared and I feel in movies or stuff that stimilates my feelings or something. But in real life? The most I can get sad/angry for is like a day? Maybe two?
I am fucking invincible. In the long term. (In the short term I'll die in seconds.)
I don't like to hold onto unhappy feelings. I forget them as soon as they come. When I look back, I think of the happy times with a smile on my face. When I think of the sad times, I smile too, because I'm just happy that I got to feel other emotions, that I got to experience things.
In a way, I'm a bit on the superficial side. Sometimes, I get jealous over people with so much drama in their lives, even when they get fucked up, because I want to feel, fucked up. Screwed. Like I'm stuck in a dead end with no way out. I know I'm playing with fire. But it's entertainment for me. For my feelings.
I've never known the worst side of things. I've never gotten into a relationship, or cried over a guy, an object, a person, etc. I've never ever had strong feelings for something. In any way.
Sure I was swearing about piano and my hate for it last entry, but I'm over it after five minutes of ranting (I love exploding in my diary, it makes me feel better in a way nobody else can :])
So yeah, in a strange way, I guess I'm pretty optimistic. I can give up anyting I've started. I can be lazy enough to not doing anything at all. I can, not care about anyone in the world. I can drive away all my worries. I can forget about all my unhappiness.
Not that I have any.
That's why I've said before, I want a screwed up love story. I want a screwed up family. I...can't really say that about my friends though. Friends are love<3
Ergk... I'm not special. I don't have a talent, or a special characteristic or something that makes me stand out and be different to everyone else. I'm the same as the girl next door. I just choose to pretend that I am that special. That I am all that.
Because that's what I want to be.
Because that's what everyone wants to be.
I guess, what makes it so sad and pitiful (my life) is that I'm so selfish, I'm so honest, I understand what I want, and yet I'm still waiting for it. I'm not going for it.
I'm afraid. Of rejection. It's not strange. I'm afraid that the millions of different worlds out there won't accept an ordinary selfish girl like me. I'm waiting for something to happen, and yet I know I shouldn't be.
I think that's what makes me a bad person.