2:05 PM, Saturday, Jun. 20, 2009
Reading Amanda's and Joanna's diary, I wonder.
We have changed so much since we first met and became friends. We've matured, we've found out who we are, we're looking for deeper meaning, we've felt things we've never felt before, we understand what we hadn't before. So why is it that we've become people we don't know anymore?
I think the four of us make an unlikely yet full group. Why is that? Our formation is so strange. But I guess because we were friends before anything from the high school and above world hit us. Before society's ways. We were young. Our childhood periods ending.
Sometimes, I think that we were put together by fate because of how we share the same... feelings inside with each other. And then I'm reminded that fate doesn't exist. That maybe everyone is like this, hiding our true thoughts from the world, and that its only because we have diaries online to find that we know each others thoughts.
Why is it that we do that? Is the adult world only filled with shallow conversations about the little things on our day, on others, on ourselves? Isn't there anyone who shares how they really feel to the world?
And I don't mean, environmentalists, protestors, people looking for human rights, people fighting for hope and charity and support. They might be good things for the unfortunate. But what about the rest of us? The normal people? Why is it that we are not required to think more about life?
Why is that we cannot share we others so freely about our true feelings, our unburied thoughts? Are we so afraid of showing others how we really are, that we must consult instead with typing or writing in diaries and silent moments of daydreaming and zoning outs?
Often, I wish for someone to be with. Someone who understands how I feel, and someone who I can just share thing with and vice versa. No strings attached. Friendship, partnership, relationship, nothing. Those things are so complicated anyway. Friends, lovers, accompaniments, aren't they just words and people we have obligations to?
No rules. It's hard.
Looking for people, it's hard too. I can know someone from childhood, be close with them for years, and yet, I may never know how the person is at the core. How do you do it? How do you hold onto someone, strip them down layer by layer, and become someone that can't be properly described with today's words.
The word, 'friends,' what does it really mean? If I had a friend name Bear, I would have to support Bear through thick and thin, stand up for Bear, look out for bear, etc. Obligations. Obligations of friends. But we need them anyway, because we can never be without people.
What we're really looking for... are soulmates. Haha. It's the only word I know of that isn't overused in today's society. At least, not that much. Have we got a certain definition for it like we ahve for friends, lovers? No. What I think a soulmate is, someone who will no necessarily understand you, but someone who will accept you, for who you are.
Is it that hard to find someone like that? Yes. Because in this world of ours, we have other things that cloud our vision, other things more important. Friends, status, jobs, money, connections, economy, government, welfare, appearance, personality. Everything, they're all just distractions that we distract ourselves with to pass time. It's become a lifestyle, how we live, because there is no other way.
But isn't that just the way of life? To follow an endless cycle of the same thing until we die out as a race. It's all fucktated.
When we have nothing to worry about, we choose to worry about the little things. When we have nothing to care about, we choose to care about the little things. When we have nothing to do, we choose to do things trivial.
But what can we do? We cannot break away from it. The only thing we can do, is keep the thoughts alive, true.
Honesty. Truth. Courage. Courtesy. All overused words. We're blinded. We are all blinded. No direction, shape, rules, we are all given these. With unnamed feelings, we box them up and use them at our disposal. Everything must have a name, a reason, a cause, an effect.
Please, take me away.