7:01 PM, Monday, Jun. 01, 2009
There are times, like just now, when I have this strong urge to move out once I'm 18. And every time the idea enters my head again, the more stronger the urge is.
I hate it how my parents diss me so much. Sure, I know they mean what's best for me, but it IS my life. It's not like a don't think about things before doing them. I'm freaking old enough to know what I"m doing. DUH I know I'm gonna regret it, but it's MY freaking decision. You think I won't regret not learning chinese? You think I won't regret doing more co-curricular in the future? You think that I don't know I'm lazy and fucked up in the head? You think I don't know there are hundreds of people better than me? No, scratch that, everyone is better than me in some way or another. Fucking hell, you think I don't know I should be studying? You think I don't know going on the computer hurts my eyes?
Oh, I'm so sorry for not being like my cousin slash Lauren slash Amanda. I'm so sorry for hanging around fucktated people who are lazy and affect how I live, even though I CHOSE TO LIVE THIS WAY ANYWAY. I'm sorry for not studying 24/7 because everything in bloody high school matters. I'm sorry for not being like you dad, when you were my age. I'm sorry for not being loud and perfect like you want me to be. I'm sorry for disappointing you so much, when you're disappointed at everything I do nowadays. I'm sorry I don't like the things you do. I'm sorry I don't like your taste in clothes mum. I'm sorry I don't play piano when I want to quit. I'm sorry you want me to do all these things, when all you're making me feel like is that doing all these things is a chore. I'm sorry for not doing them anyway when they're not even enjoyable to do.
So, I guess I should study like fuck, not care about how I look, not go out with my friends, clean my room 24/7 even though it's MY room, NOT YOURS, be fit and active on the weekend, talk with my relatives. Ha. Note, my sarcasm dripping over this page everywhere.
But seriously, you do NOT deserve to say my friends are dumb bitches who are lazy and worthless because they are not. I am more connected to them then I will EVER feel to you. You are close to NOTHING compared to what these guys have done for me emotionally and as a person. You may be proud of my marks, my awards, my certificates, but you have never, EVER been happy for my personal achievements. Why? Because you don't care. You can't understand why something means so much to me, and so you ignore it and cast it away as shit.
You cook, you clean, you pay the bills, you take responsibility of parental things, you scream at me when I fuck things up, you listen to me when I ramble about crap. But you know what? You do all this, wanting a thank you at every turn. You want me to be grateful for everything I've done. You want me to change the way I am. You want me to ideal. You want me to be the perfect child, the perfect student, and perfect person, whether its either to show off to your friends and family or to have something you can be proud of.
I hated how I was so controlled when I was younger. I could do nothing. I don't mind it, because a lot of people I know (mainly asains) are like that too, and you've given me much freedom since then. But I'm fourteen and a half. Ok, so I didn't do what YOU did when you were 14, like cook, clean, study, smooth talk, have responsibility. Yeah, but I deserve freedom. You want me to because slash do all this, but how can I when you're constricting me in all the other open corners?
I'm definitely moving out.
Independence, why is it that I want it so much? It's the freedom, its able to do something by myself, its able to do something freely and even if its a big mistake, I won't have you on my back every other second to make sure I don't fucking forget it.
You're lenient in all the wrong ways, and you're fucktated in all the fucked ways.
I want to break away from all this; maybe if I had guts, I'd be escaping into drag racing or those things that pump adrenaline in me. You make things so plain. I'm nobody. I'll be stepped on forever, whether its by you, or my peers.
I hate you.