6:25 PM, Tuesday, Mar. 10, 2009
Just read Joanna's recentest entry.
Omg can you believe it? My honest feelings at the moment.
One)
I feel so sorry for Lauren. I can't believe this actually happened to her. I saw her today, we said hi, like we usually are (not that close) and that was it. She smiled, she bounced, she greeted. After this, I feel like fuck. Fuck, can't I tell if something's wrong about someone? Fuck. I'm such a bad friend. Or even a bad ex-close-friend.
Two)
I agree with Joanna. I can't believe she's like this aswell. It's so weird. Maybe we've all changed to someone, gone to someplace which we never thought we would be. And now that we're there, we can't help but continue to be who we are becoming. Because that is stil who we are. Fuck. Lauren I can't believe you cried.
Three)
Shit this stuff actually happens. I thought it only happened with.. you know... local schools.. or anglos... or... populettes you know? Not our Lauren. Fuck. I know I should feel more sad, but I keep thinking "HOLY COW. what an awesome eventful life." Someone like me who's always wishing to be someone or something i'm not, yet not even bothering to try for this, has got to be jealous.
Four)
She told Joanna. I'm so fucking jealous of her. Both of them. It means, Lauren still trusts her so so much. I feel so left out. Seriously. I feel like I've distanced myself the furthest away form Lauren. It's weird, actually, I always thought (in year 7) she was the hardest to get close to. Maybe because she was actually a person who you had to befriend the manual way. Not like Amanda or Melanie or even Joanna way, where they manifest the conversation. With Lauren, you've got to hit it off, you can only pretend so far. I think that made it harder for me to get close too. It's so weird.
Anyway back to the point. Fuck. It feels like Joanna gets to part of her life, but I don't. Fuck man Lauren doesn't tell me anything about her anymore. It's nothing. I swear. Nothing. I feel like I don't know her anymore. And she doesn't know me. We've changed, but not that much, and yet we're still so... un-close. I feel fucked. Why is htis happening with only Lauren? At least Amanda and Joanna I can speak about STUFF to you know?
Does that mean, I was never really that close with Lauren? Does that mean, we were never really close friends?
Does that mean, that all that was keeping us together was the conversations and the contact and the peers?
Does that mean, despite being in the same group, doing the same stuff, being tight as tight friends, we were still bound to... you know... not be friends? Fuck. I swear, I just KNOW if she wasn't in my class, if things didn't turn out the way they did, she's just be another rebecca to me. A fucking nobody who I'd think was too good for me, or i was too good for. Fuck.
Five)
I feel so shit reading about all this personal stuff from Joanna. I bet she doesn't know anyone reads it. Fuck. And since I locked my diary and will never ever let her in even if she does find out about it, she will never read mine. Why? It's personal. Doesn't that mean hers is just as personal? Sure not as detailed and complainy and deep as mine but still personal.
Fuck I feel so bad.