4:41 PM, Tuesday, Mar. 10, 2009
As the title for this entry suggests, yes, we are selling chocolates to fundraise for our year 10 formal.
I don't even know if I'm going.
Like, I just think that it's going to be all about eating and talking and dancing (unlikely) just like similarly the junior dance, which I thought was hecka boring. Boring. I can do it at school. Wtf. A bother. Nothing is going to happen.
Like, I can dream all about some prince charming coming on this day and we are fated to meet and fall in love and marry and have 100 kids, but it ain't gonna happen. Never actually, most likely.
Another thing. The dressing up thing. Sure, like every other girl, I'd absolutely love to dress up and feel "beautiful." But you know, it only works if you are you know? Inside or out, I'm kinda neither.
No offence to modest peeps but I think I'm pretty pretty, if you exclude the moles (=="). I mean, I've kinda got the face, skinnyness?? and etc... but hell man I also know this:I'M SO FUCKING FLAT
Goddamnit.
Why am I so flat? I fucking drink milk (i know right? gross that I htink about this stuff but whatever). I fucking eat ALOT. I've been trying to cut out my hunchiness and it has improved. God, it can't be fucking genetic because my mum has an ok asian body. This is so screwed. And i live in Australia. Where all my flat kinswomen do not exist in. Sucks like shit. Especially now since I'm at this age (14) already and all my friends've got boobs and I'm freaking stuck in year 7. Dude, even year 7's got bigger boobs than me. I'm so fucking depressed over this.
And wearing a freaking "pretty" dress only means that it'll show off my flatness even more. Shut up ok, this is a very important reason here.
I think that's why a tonne of people aren't going, e.g. twins, tiffany, etc. THose type of people that aren't too fond of dressing very exposedly or doing socially girly stuff. Meh. What about me? It isn't fair!
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*bursts out into Shannon Noll*
This sucks. PRobably like more than half my group ain't going so I most likely ain't either. Olivea said something about karaoke though. May reconsider.
Anyway enought about that, so we're selling chocolates. Not allowed to sell at school or Ms. Careers Teacher will bust you and confiscate it. It's so weird. Even though most of us prolly aren't even going to the formal, we're competing so much over how much you sell.
Sucks, because I'm doing it to. Kinda.
Like, I would be totally stressing on selling stuff, but now that I've turned into a cool uncaring Eve I kinda don't really care. But I want to care. You know what I mean? I'm split again because of my damn personality changes. Dude I must be bipolar. No make that tripolar.
Fudge, probably eve polypolar. May explain my levels of personalities in another entry. Maybe.
I hate selling when I'm in my innocent personality. It usually appeared when I'm with friends I need to show off with, which aren't really friends, but you know what? techincially they are, because this gorup includes Mel and Amanda and you know them. Friends is a word I might talk about later also.
So yeah, that personality is when I act like dumb shit, afriad of every fucking thing and definately not giving off a cool image. I never do this when I'm alone. Just so you know. It's fakish and probably derived from my ancient primary/year 7 personality.
So yeah, i was on the train moving through a couple of carriages when suddenly this man is like, "Stop moving. The carriages are all the same so what's the point of moving?" And he goes on forever and like, he probably just took notice of my uniform instead of my face because I didn't even go through that many times.
My first reaction, to everything since I was born, is to turn to them with freakishly wide innocent eyes. Like scaredly. I used to keep them scared looking until I stopped talking to them. Now, I'm wiser. I can't ever be that weak and show it.
So my eyes eventually glazed over into this neutral face that probably gave off this rebelish feelings that i was barely listening. And it was true. I tuned out after a while and nodded alot and just walked away.
But you know the truth? I was fucking scared inside. I feel like I was in year 7 all over again. So fucking glad I had that innocent facade on, because I didn't want to walk past that guy ever again on that train ride.
And I hate it. I hate how I'm afraid of things that I shouldn't be now. I've masked my feelings now, but how can I stop my fucking mind from thinking this way? And afterwoods, when I'm finally induldging in my agro-er personality, I regret not lashing out at the guy for noticeable discrimination against school kids.
Dude, I hate how I hate the way I do things even though I hate it.
What was I afraid of exactly? Well, the guy complaining to the school and the principal finding me for one. But fucking why??
Sometimes I wish I went to a local school. Where there is barely any reputation in need of upholding. Where I can catch up on normal life, not stress on people fucking smarter than me and parents pressuring me. Fuck. where where I can just do anything I want and not be afraid of being in trouble because it's just nothing to me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Tina told me girls in her school smoke in the toilets.