2:24 PM, Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2009
Happy 2009 btw.
School starts tomorrow. Year 10. I wonder if it'll be as bland as last year?
I want something to happen. Even though I know that most things you've got to intiate yourself. But still, I just want to have a somewhat eventful life. Some drama even. Something other than what - studying, going to school, talking, going on the computer 24/7, procrastinating, that kinda stuff?
Perhaps I'm taking things for granted, wanting something else to happen. Maybe that's why I dwelve myself into Soompi or reading/writing "fanfic-y" stories like this. Trying to escape my boring plain life.
This is gay.
If I were to say something, I'd say my life is restricted with everything and everyone - family, friends, distance, time, money, etc. But if I were to be brutally honest with myself, I'd say that I'm just a tad bit on the lazy side here, wishing for things without even trying.
I want to write down all these thoughts I have in my head. It's like, bursting out in bubbles, they come to my mind in millions, and i forget them in their thousands. They're so insignificant but I treat them all as if each of them mattered.
I swear, I think too much about crap. Maybe I should put all these thoughts into maths or something studious.
But seriously, random thoughts come as if, they were oxygen molecules I were breathing in and out. (That sounds really weird but you get what I mean.) They come automatically, just like they go, but the whole process if so natural.
I wonder if there's anyone else out there who thinks like me. Like, thinking too much about theories on people, the world, myself. I would LOVE to meet someone who did. But I probably have, become most likely, just like me, they're hiding it under a false outer exterior. Meh.
I mean, who actually pours out all their feelings to somebody else? THe closest I've said anything deep to someone, would be to Eatrend, Tiffany and Joanna. T. But still, I haven't spoken to anyone (other than you, bitch) on what i think of things like, death, living, or things like how sometimes I wish for things that no one would ever suspect.
For example, I want to be pretty.
Like, I know I'm not the ugliest chick around. And to be compeltely honest, I'm probably not bad in the asian world of looks.
But still? Sometimes I wonder what its like to be gorgeous, or be able to pull off any look. Maybe even wear clothes that are girly and... mature. I know most of my clothes are like, kiddish clothes and thats why I like wearing mum's alot. But I'm so afraid of wearing... older looking clothes like, just teenage and adult clothes in general. Its hard to explain.
But I'm so afraid that people will see me differently. Around me, I see all my friends and family my age, already changing their clothes, their personalities a bit, as they grow. It doesn't matter to me, so why should I care if I change? I know i hsouldn't but I do.
I think my biggest fear, is growing up. Yeah, I'm afraid of growing up
GRowing up in front of my friends, parents, etc. Everytime I go shopping with mum, or shopping in general for clothes in shops like Supre or Valleygirl and those kinda weird shops, i feel self conscious. And everytime I pick out a piece that I like, finally convincing myself its ok to wear clothes my age, my mum goes, "Are you SURE?? REALLY?? but this colour isn't really good for matching clothes." and so on. It just wavers me alot. Alot.
And I hate it how mum is always choosing my clothes. Still. Even though I'm fourteen now. I prefer to have MY OWN STYLE you know? Even though most of my clothes consist of Tshirts and more Tshirts. But even though I hate it, do I really deserve to say anything if I'm still stuck in this false childhood dream of mine?
I'd love to say that people don't care what you wear or look. But the truth is? People do. Even I do it, I base strangers and even friends on what they wear. I hate it when I do it, but its the damn ugly truth. So there are some who really don't care. I pretend I don't care. In fact no-fucking-body really knows that i DO CARE. Maybe except for Eatrend. But he's... different. He doesn't know about the mask I put on for everyone else.
I just want to be envied. I want to look fourteen. I want to have a life a fourteen-year-old would have if they didn't go to a selective school, if they didn't only have asian friends, if they weren't even asian at all.
I want so much.
But it's all so selfish. I feel sad to my bones that I think like this. And that's why I pretend I don't care. I've always admired those who don't care about things ont he outside. I'm tyring to be one. More like pretending.
AISH. THis is all so frustrating to write.
I want to meet someone who doesn't judge me for these thoughts. Who fucking accepts me for being fucking gay and selfish and someone who can't stand up for herself or do anything for herself.
If we were give one impossible wish, that would be mine.
To everything (or at least most things) I say, do, write about, there is always 50 thoughts that come along with it, that are unsaid, not done, unwritten.
These things that i've written in my diary before, as in most of my thoughts here, they probably don't match up to this. 80% of it would be how i really felt, down in the core of my heart or brain or gut or wherever feelings come from. Because I always thought I would be able to share this with someone. So I held back. Because even in my diaries, I hold back.
But not anymore. I promise, swear, vow, chinese swear to god, that from here onwards, all this deep stuff I speak of will be 100% true. or 99% at least. So then i have at least one person (or thing) that I have spilled my deepest thoughts on in this terribly short and limited life of mine.
Tch. Maybe I've finally found my new year's resolution? Ha.
Happy 2009 everyone.
Happy 2009 Eve.