15:22, Sunday, Jan. 06, 2019
Most of the time, almost always, I think that my best self is the me today, because everything that happened before has helped to shape the person I am now. Things that I could have done instead, or should have done, those things don't matter because in the end if anything had happened differently, I would be a different person today. In hindsight, you can say a lot of things, but I would never fault my own past self for something that I didn't know at the time. All I could do then and now is to make decisions to the best of my ability based on what I know at the time and that is enough. This is a constant belief in my everyday life that allows me to let go of things which would otherwise just add to the list of things that stress me out.
But sometimes, I wonder. Some things - small things - have changed and sometimes I don't even realise until long after its gone. I can say that I've changed quite a bit since I was an angsty 11 year old just starting high school and believing that the world would just notice me eventually like every other fictional outcast heroine in a journey against the world. I used to love things like drawing, writing, scrapbooking, secret portals, fictional romances, hidden personas, messages with double meanings, etc. I always had an interest in these things, an interest I believe which was stronger than my peers, but I was never encouraged enough or brave or proactive enough to pursue it beyond the limits of my daydreams and the boundaries of social expectations and attitudes.
Of course, 'growing up,' priorities change. And depending on what kind of person you are, those expectations thrust upon you by family, friends, society and eventually yourself, will impact you in different ways. Rather than what I was interested in, it became more of a survival approach to life, getting a job, becoming financially strong, getting along with others, fitting in, moving up and moving on in life. And I was glad for it. Because this was the reality and the sooner I realised and followed the path, the sooner I would succeed. If I wanted to do anything in life, this is what I had to do. All those daydreams and thoughts were just that - daydreams and thoughts. In the end, they were useless to the end goal.
But sometimes (today), I wonder. Actually, I watched a recent adaption of Anne of Green Gables and I really enjoyed it. I particularly thought that the teenage me would have loved this story and character a lot. It resonated so well with who I used to be. And then it made me think about, a part of me I've lost growing up. The creative side, which loved to collect small trinkets and things and loved to appreciate an old photo or quote. I wonder if everyone has a side to them like this which just gets smothered eventually over time like a candle light getting snuffed out with two fingers one day. Probably. Most likely.
I just wonder sometimes if things were different. If I had a different personality, or went to a different school, or had a different upbringing, or lived somewhere else. If were a bit more adventurous or brave or less influenced by others. That's probably why I really admire those who pursue things they love (in a non-obnoxious way because they can get very obnoxious sometimes). To bet on your passions and feelings over taking the easy way out. Probably just a common adult struggle to be honest.
Despite all this, I probably won't ever step out of the box I've put myself in. As sad as it sounds, I know I'll never be brave enough or strong enough to take a risk like that. It's a comfortable prison that I've built for myself to safeguard me against thorns and prickles. I recognise and accept this, with no regrets. Although I allow myself a passing thought and wonder every now and then of what could have been.
Mood - Palette - IU