20:13, Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2016
Having like the worst midlife crisis moment this week this very day especially. It don't know if it's just because I'm behind like fuck and am still struggling to catch up on weeks of learning for my exam tomorrow. Likely. I don't know. Everything is fucked.
I absolutely hate uni. I don't even know why. I mean it's not like I've ever really loved it or anything, but this semester has just been a shit show. Barely in class, barely studying, no contact with anyone there, etc. I mean, I've had semesters like this before but they've never been this bad.
I think maybe I've reached my breaking point. 5 years is a long time after all. Fuck. I used to be able to smash out 6 weeks of content in one night and scrape a pass for the exam. Right now I feel like just failing because I literally cannot be fucked. It just feels like some old thing I just want to shrug off and throw away.
You know what else is fucked? I have absolutely no interest in learning. Even though there's like this faint underlying glimmer of interest whenever I'm cramming the topic, that's pretty much how I feel about anything I read about in depth.
And I'm back to being unsure about what I want in life. Career is fucked. Half the time I'm celebrating because I'm on this almost tangible road to success, and half the time I'm like fuck this, fuck it all, I just want to ditch everything and work for money and spend it until I'm broke and rinse and repeat. Not have to care so much about saving up and earning interest and getting dividends and returns on and investments and what the fuck who gives a damn.
For quite a while now: On days when I'm alone for too long with nothing to distract my mind and no vulnerably alone parent to vent to I am literally questioning what I'm doing here. When I feel like I have things figured out, things unsettle again in my head. What's the point? I feel like I'll be dissatisfied until the end of time. I am incredibly pessimistic and negative and lacking self confidence and self belief. Oh, I know.
The midlife crisis: I need to change and do something. This year I've been interacting with mostly younger people which is fine but it makes me conscious of the fact that I have done things so differently to what they are doing. Which is why I want to do something new.
This is so fucked. I've made it my motto to never regret anything or look back on things which weren't obvious mistakes because it's a grey area - I've always been doing or at least trying to do the best that I could. But lately I've literally been regretting my entire life up until this point. My priorities are wrong, my decisions have been wrong, I'm in the wrong career, I've been hanging around the wrong people, the past few years have been a waste, I'm in the wrong life, everything I've done has been wrong, black and white wrong. I've actually been in denial of everything and I should have just jumped ship when I could.
I need to get out. Seriously.
Just ignore me, I'm just having an existential crisis due to the panic of my impending doom from an exam I am completely and utterly unprepared for.