03:38, Sunday, Dec. 21, 2014
So. Japan. I was planning to write it all down, as I usually do, but it never really took. Now with the smartphone to fill in blank moments in time, and I guess I was also afraid of admitting it out aloud (or in writing).
So. Things that happened in Japan, briefly summarised:
1. Finding out that travelling with family is now hell. It's been three years since the last time, and boy can I see how things have changed. My brother is a lazy fuck child, despite his appearance. My mother is obsessed with photographing life through smartphone, and also painfully shit at researching plans. In the end, I practically planned and organised the majority of this trip and it was not relaxing at all. They had no idea what they wanted to do, yet complained whenever I dragged them somewhere I wanted to go. Bah.
2. Realising that I really can't get sick of sushi, as we eat it every day.
3. Finding out, unsurprisingly, that my years of Japanese study was a bare minimum help in this country.
4. Finding out that people in Japan stare. A lot. I'm not even foreign looking, and its not a rude stare or anything. But it feels like every single young-ish guy and girl checks out every other young-ish guy and girl. Always. This country is so self-conscious.
5. Finding delight in things that are novelties for me but normal for them (conveyor belt sushi, ticket ordering restaurants, awesome customer service, the most polite and kindest people).
6. Shopping. A lot of unexpected shopping. Overseas shops in Japan are so cheap and the sales are small but fucking awesome. Forever 21 jewellery omg I swear I should have bought a shittonne more.
7. Probably a shittone more interesting things.
8. But most significantly of all - signs that say, yes, I have fallen out of love with Japan. Sad in a way? Over this whole year, I've been less interested in Japan, the things I used to enjoy and like no longer align with my current interests.
I know I changed a lot as a person this year: my values and ways of thinking. I realised just how much they used to align with those of the Japanese, and that changing also simmered down my interest in the country. It's just weird. To find out that it's related: how I was as a person, how I acted, and my affinity for Japan. It also means my affinity was more than just hobbies and food, it was culture and lifestyle.
I think it was also partly the students in my Japanese class this whole year, most of whom I felt so frustrated and irritated by, especially when I realised that they were all being 'Japanese' in that way. And that I no longer agreed with how they were acting, which is probably how I was like up until a few years ago. It's painful even just to think about it.
Going to Japan with these doubtful feelings, I then further saw that the place was pretty much just like any other place with a lot of Asians. And ordinary people. Girls wore a shittonne of makeup that all looked the same. Guys all got their eyebrows done. Everyone wore the same thing, clothing that hid their bodies. It wasn't like I was expected Japan to be some magical land or anything like that. I just. I knew it would be like this, and yet seeing it made me understand how ordinary it all is.
So I guess yeah, I did used to put Japan up on a pedestal like a fucking weeaboo. It was just weird in that it was falling off that pedestal already and then when I go, it's like it falls off completely. It was like the cherry on top of the cake. The final push. The timing is just bizarre to me. And honestly, being in Japan felt like being in China, only, generally cleaner and less rude.
Anyway so yeah, it's weird and not an enjoyable thing to admit, falling out of love with Japan. It feels like I've just shut this chapter of my life that I knew happened but also know will never experience in that way again.
I missed the openness of minds at home the most. And I love how everyone is dressed different here and people don't look at you twice. Seeing so many uniformly dressed asians is a little creepy and definitely overwhelming. But nothing is perfect. When I arrived back home, I wanted to go back to Japan.
Being back is good and overall I think I'd prefer it here. But honestly, I feel more and more estranged? alienated? like a distinct outsider when I'm with white people. The culture gap has just gotten wider and wider as I've gotten older. It's not fun. It feels weird. Like I can never fit in to one place. It's difficult for me to adapt to things like this - things that involve people and social situations. I think I'm going to live the rest of my life feeling this strange sense of distance.
It makes me feel a little sad and lonely. And as I become more comfortable with putting a front in front of people, I feel more and more comfortable being alone and without others. Where I can just be myself and I don't have to fit in anywhere. I'll probably write another entry sometime about this, about how more than ever, I embrace being alone because I hate to please others.
Like I've said many times, I changed a lot this year.