23:59, Saturday, Dec. 05, 2013
0720
Woke up late. No message from K. Getting sick of K so I just ignore her. Breakfast takes a while to make so I'm late for class a few minutes. I am really annoyed at K lately so I just do my own thing.
0800
Class is same as usual. I can feel tension between me and K, we are both sick of each other. K is annoyed at my lack of Chinese understanding. The level is same difficulty as always for me, but she now realises just how shit I am from her and she's annoyed at me.
I'm annoyed at her because she originally told me to stay in this class with her, and now she's asking me if I'm in the wrong class. No shit I am, I told you the first day and you fucking dismissed me. I'm annoyed how she wants me to remember the words we just read ten minutes ago just because she can do it, and I'm annoyed that she's telling me to go back to the old class this late, when I fucking study more here than I did in Sydney. I'm not even the only one in the class that's lost.
Class is shit, because I'm sick and tired and annoyed and K. I'm more quiet than usual and I feel super sick and annoyed.
1130
Kouyu teacher notices my sickness and asks me what's wrong. When she asks me, my eyes start tearing up. After I tell her nothing's wrong, I start crying. I'm trying to hold it back, but its not working. I can't do nothing and I can't stop it; K gets nervous, as does the Korean girl beside me. Kouyu teacher sees me and its the last straw, I just leave for the bathroom.
I'm crying and crying and it's not stopping. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard, especially over nothing. K comes down but it doesn't help a bit; it doesn't mean shit. I tell her to go back up and I take a walk around outside. I come back to class and barely listen, I just write the japanese alphabet in my book to calm myself.
I'm crying because of everything. I'm sick, I'm annoyed at K, she's annoyed at me, I've my period/pmsing, I'm homesick, I miss my family, my home, my house, I miss Ximia, my friends, Sydney, the class is boring and a little hard for me, I'm not learning anything here, my Chinese hasn't improved after 2 weeks, my 'friends' here are just 'friends.' What am I doing here?
I feel shit, and annoyed, and sad, and when the Kouyu teacher asks me what's wrong, I feel disappointed, disappointed in myself, for all of these feelings, and for showing them to others. That's what makes me cry. And I'm ashamed of showing a side of me I don't want anyone to see. I never want to bring this moment up again. I feel like I've lost against something, become like Evelyn. I want to forget this moment forever.
K is worried and asks if its 'her' and I'm like, wow, fuck this girl, that is the worst thing to say. I never thought I could like a girl so much and then feel so annoyed her in such a short period of time.
1230
Dumplings for lunch. I surf the net a bit and then sleep for a few hours. I fall asleep so fast. I wake up when K calls for dinner.
1715
I feel like shit so I dress nicely and thinly. When I feel shit I do one of two things: dress up nicely; or spend a lot of money (aka shopping).
1800
Dinner at a place where you pick ingredients and they stir it together. With K and S. I swear, I am the fucking conversation starter sometimes, even when I feel like shit. The food is nice though, and so is the tea.
2100
Go to S's place with laptop to watch Zombieland, but realise that I never downloaded it. People see my excel chart and I proudly show them stuff. We're on our laptops (me, S, H and C) and just laptop chilling. K wants to talk.
K still annoys me. I don't think I can talk to her alone comfortably anymore. Maybe because we know so much about each other, I'm so annoyed at her personality now, she annoys me so much, I think I'll explain in another entry.
2200
Joined my Daniel and we ask 'truth' questions and random questions and it's alright. The gap between me and K grows wider and wider. I share things I don't normally share, but I feel like, after being together so much, my real personality just comes out and I'm like yolo fuck this shit. My money-ways, shoplifting, fare-evasing, indie ways, favourite things comes out, even though I prefer to hide them. I am basically myself, and I talk like myself and you know why? Because I think I'm going to die if I have to pretend anymore esp. with/for K and I feel like shit.
0020
Party ends and I return home. I'm not going to class tomorrow. I'm still sick, and sleep-deprived and feverish at times and I want to call home and talk to Ximia and drink tea and sort out my life.