14:14, Monday, Nov. 12, 2012
I don't know what I was saying, my friends are so good to me and I don't even realise it and appreciate it like I should :)
Well it's been a few days since, and I still think about it always (it's so weird how one thing has consumed my mind for so long) and the thoughts from when I wake up are different to the ones I have when I go to sleep. As a side note though, my sleeping times have become more regular and better.
I think it's getting better. Rather than ignoring it and just flowing over it as I usually do, I've hit it, crashed, broken, then just seeped through the cracks and the pieces are joining together again on the other side, slowly.
I don't believe in fate or god or some ultimate hand of the universe, as much as I'd like to. But to get through the day, sometimes I just have to believe that everything happened for a reason. Or at least, things have happened, and other things, good things, have happened because of it, and if things happened any other way, then all the good things in my life would never be here.
If I never made it to architecture, and did something else first, like what I'm planning to do next year anyway, I would have always wondered what it would be like. I would come to idealise the industry even more, when the reality is not that great. I would never know what it was truly like, and then gotten over it. And I did meet people that I liked, so things weren't as bad as they could have been.
If I never did architecture, despite how horrible it has been for me with loneliness and confidence issues, I wouldn't have done photography, which I love to BITS. I wouldn't have been able to understand how the things I've always been so amazed about only required you to go ahead and do it. Go to that place, buy that shit and just sit down and make it. It's no longer a far distant action that seems impossible. I did learn a lot.
If I never did architecture at usyd, let's say I went to unsw and had friends and felt more relaxed and less alone, I wouldn't be working where I am now. I wouldn't have experienced all those things at work, or met those wonderful people, or changed to become someone more open and mature and understanding of the world. Work is probably one of the most greatest things that could have happened to me in my life and I love it because of this.
This is how I get through the big regrets of my life. Soon I'll be able to say, if I never failed architecture, I would never have been able to ______ do something. Sure, I might have been able to become a great architect (extremely unlikely) but if things are meant to be, then they're just meant to be.
That chapter isn't going to happen, and something else will. But at least something WILL be happening. Tomorrow I'll still be living, and so will all those other people, but I have the rest of my life to live. I'm going to get over this and next year, I'm going to have as much fun as I can, because one thing I've learnt indefinitely, is that nothing good will just happen anymore.
And this is how I've been consoling myself, although my feelings have still been oscillating and I'm still lacking a lot of self confidence. But each day I get stronger. :)