23:00, Friday, Mar. 09, 2012
I hate university.
At least school I hated because I saw the same people over again, had to be near them so much, had to listen to them so much. At least school included seeing people I did like as well, people I could talk with for fun.
The people at university are not nearly as bad, and everyone's all very diverse so you learn that judging people really doesn't make a difference. But other than being nice to each other, there is nothing more. I don't think I can even call what I do, being 'friends.' Maybe I'm expecting too much or something, but if from now on I just have this shallow friendly relationship with everyone, then fuck that.
I don't hate it, talking to all different sorts of people, and different things happening everyday, but it's tiring. It's as if I don't have something to hold onto, or something stable that will always be there. Maybe because it's the first week and everything's all erghh, and maybe things will get better as time goes on. But fuck. There's something weird about it that I can't really explain.
But overall, it isn't as bad as I had always thought it would be. However, after doing a little bit of uni work, I think I'd be most content burying myself in the subject. If I can just be good at this course, I don't care if I'm only on shallow terms with people. About 70/80% of the students, I would say, doing arch only, are probably all transfers from tafe, colleges, other courses, overseas, etc. And all of them, I swear, are miraculously super good at drawing and art, and I'm just on the side putting random lines on paper.
At work, it's also fun at times, and tiring, but also really hateful at times too. I think I'm finally getting used to the workers there, and they're sort of getting me too. They all love Cindy more though, I can tell, but that's ok because I love her most too. I can now do things decently, although I am so fucking clumsy and awkward, that I'm still desperately trying to perfect this perfect smile and expression that can pass off as "omgosh sorry tehehe" for when I get things wrong.
There are so many things that can go wrong in the restaurant, and the mistake fucking follows you for life. Or at least for 48 hours minimum. Usually when something happens at a restaurant when you're a customer, you only remember it vaguely and not always. But for me behind the counter, the shit burns into my memory. And you can't say that the customer won't remember you ever again, because it's a fucking local shop with shittonnes of regulars.
Anyway I haven't seen any of my friends in ages. And even though I didn't really see them a lot during the holidays anyway, it feels like ages because somehow, life has started moving again and none of them are in it anymore. Usually when the school term starts, it's as if life has resumed. But there's no more resuming anymore, and there never will be. So it's kind of like homesickness but for the friends. Friendsickness maybe?