4:23 PM, Friday, Dec. 30, 2011
So it's been more than a month since I've been here, which is the longest break in a very long time.
I left on the 4th, and I brought this cheesily Chinesey notebook (my grandma gave it to me), to write about everything that would happen at the end of the day. That lasted about 10 days before I fell behind and kept falling behind until I just gave up. Even though I was so sure I would be able to keep it up. It's not that I don't want to, it's just each day I have this split second chance to decide whether or not I'm going write an entry and its so much easier to just decide not to. Then it builds up until it's impossible to go back.
Anyway, so stuff has happened. Here, in China, I get stared at most rudely a lot, to the point that in recent days I've gotten very, very irritated. Not just that, but the whole social culture is just too much for me. I think if I stay here too long, I'll end up being this close-minded, quiet, reclusive, one-man band. More so than I already am.
Everyday I'm only bothered to wear the same clothes as yesterday, when I go shopping, I'm indecisive, I end up being indecisive about everything, and I don't know what it is I want anymore, and everything confuses me, and I end up not doing anything, and here it just feels like that's ok. Backwards. I'm moving fucking backwards.
Also, there are so many clothes and shoes and trends here that I have only ever seen online on obscures sites, yet it's everywhere here. I keep getting this urge to get it all, take it all, because everything is so available and perhaps I'll never get another chance for a while. But that just fucks my mind over even more.
One good thing that came out of being here: there are so many people here, who all look the same, no matter what they're wearing, what they're speaking, what they're doing, they all look the same. So I feel a little less conscious of others than I did before, just a tad. Except they all keep fucking staring at me for some fucking reason.
One bad thing: it feels like I'm still not ready or able to take that jump.
Anyway, I'm here right now, because I needed to write these particular things down (which means tonnes of happy stuff, and seeing relatives, and awkwardness, and boringness, and fun, and awesomeness, and etc. also happened). Also because just then, I got my mother's iphone stolen.
In this case, it was my fault, and it was my fault times a billion. I don't know if this is just an instinctive reflex of the mind to think of all other better possibilities that could have happened after an unfortunate event, but I swear, every single choice I made today, led to this incident. If I hadn't done this thing, or that thing, this wouldn't have happened. It pains me a lot, because it wasn't mine, it wasn't mine to lose.
If it were, I would get angry and pissed and arhghghghghg, and then laugh at myself for being so stupid, because it's true, people who get their things stolen from them are stupid. But it wasn't mine, and all there is to blame is my stupidity, and because of this, I'm just crying and crying because I'm so so so sorry and so sad that I've disappointed my family and there's nothing I can do to make up for it. I can't get angry, and can't replace it (yet), I can't apologise, I can't do anything but cry.
Anyway I feel a lot better now, since venting here and analysing my mind with my mind, so thank you. I've also decided to not choose to buy anything I'm not sure about anymore, because I'll just buy it online in Australia, when I am sure I want it. I also want to pick up a lot of shit these holidays, following getting a job somehow, then talk to some people who are not my family, face to face and just chatting about shit.
Oh goshies and make a new layout that was due a year ago, and catch up on stuff, and get my licence, and dread the coming of uni, and learn to sew, and draw, and guitar, and music, and music, and music, fuck I miss music, and swear because I miss swearing too, and learn to cook because I should be able to now, and pick up painting!! And design and write lists and draw my ideal future home and how my kids will grow up, because whenever I go overseas, I always end up thinking too much about the far far future which may or may not exist, disregarding the fact that a part of me thinks I won't become an architect, or have kids.
Anyway, I will see you soon, have missed you lots.
And perhaps when I come back and do all those things I have said I want to do, I'll have finally grown up like I'm meant to.