6:00 PM, Saturday, May. 07, 2011
Sometimes it feels like I'm caught between five billion worlds and I don't know which one to stay in. Let's say there's a spider web: the centre is me with no identity, appearance, feelings, etc. or the plain core which lies in everyone when they're born, and each spoke(?) represents an interest, value, habit, belief, things I like. Where I am at the web represents who and what I am. But while sometimes I feel like I want to be at one place of the web, other times I want to be on the total opposite side. I don't know who I am or who I should be, because I'm indecisive and easily influenced.
Okay so the web analogy thing is pretty flawed, because it's not like I'm forced to stay in one spot of the web. It's not like these paths are created for us to choose from. There are no 'paths.' You are not supposed to at a spot on the web, you ARE the web, the entire thing, a complex being. You're supposed to be yourself, you're not meant to 'choose a path' and you're not forced to either. But to me it feels like I have to choose something, because I need guides to my life.
What am I saying. Basically I feel insecure being myself because I see myself as a failure. Oh noes I have low self esteem issues, something new. No I wasn't always like this, but lately I feel like turning into a permanent recluse. I had decided to change for the better, be myself, be confident in that, be open, accepting, respectful blah blah we've been over this before.
Right now, I'm seriously lost at what I should do. Also, I'm depressed (or whatever I can say to describe 'mild moodiness' because depression is a serious mental disorder which I shouldn't use so casually or else people will snap at me for doing so.) I want to smash mirrors and turn the world blind so that we didn't have to care about superficiality and appearances. I'm fucking myself over about imperfections about my body whenever my mind is free. Everyday, I wish I could drop out of school; if only I could face the world alone without education and money at my side.
I'm sick of my friends, work, doing things, thinking things, reading, talking to people. Wow this sounds familiar to an entry 15 months ago, except before I was worrying in self-pity about the sadness of my group. Now I'm only wallowing in self-disgust and self-hate and all that shit, at my lack of ambition, will, morale, strength, passion. I'm a fucking bland rock. And, usually, I don't give a damn.
Human's are so fucking inconsistent.
I have read so much manga in these past few years that I'm fucking sick of it, sick of it to death, but I still read it, just as a shallow temporary escape. The best thing I'm good at? Ignoring things. I know what things I have to value the most, and what I should be doing, but I don't, because I'm weak and I fall into a state where I just don't care about anything.