10:55 PM, Thursday, Sept. 16, 2010
Hello there.
My eyes hurt from the bordeom of studying Japanese for like what, an hour and a half? Fuck you don't know how much I hate the subject right now. But then, I don't know if I actually hate it because I dislike the subject, or if I just hate it for having to put so much effort in it. Maybe I am just ultimately a lazy person.
I mean, so far, for exams, I've been studying the night before for all my exams, and sometimes the morning before. That was for the main four exams as well as modern. Although I knew I couldn't memorise an essay for Japanese I still watched Korean TV shows for hours before I started studying.
And now I think I've lost my dictionary.
I don't know if I'm annoyed because I can't find it and I have an exam tomorrow morning, or if I just hate the subject in general, or if I'm afraid more particularly for this exam because I'm quite sure my rank will drop considerably. Usually, I don't give a shit. Maybe it's because... I don't know, Jaya and Tiffany are both way better than me in Jap, and it annoys me.
Okay, Jaya, not so much, because what can you do if the girl studies dutifully every day? But Tiffany, god she annoys me so much at the moment, and I think she's already noticed but I don't really give a damn right now.
It's just the way she thinks that: oh I can write in taiwanese therefore my Jap is so much more better because I know the kanji. Oh I watch anime and do anime related shit and hang out with people who speak Jap as their third language, therefore I'm so much better at Jap. Oh I hate Jap because it's class is so boring but I only need to study for 20min before the exam and I'll get fucking 20 outa 20, and I'm just going to tell everyone that because I'm so good at Jap.
Okay whatever, I know, Ticky needs at least one subject she's good at, no offence. But it's just the fact that she thinks she's so good and it's like oh god, I'm still meant to be your friend here, I don't fucking care, unless that's what you want. God. I just can't seem to feel easy around her like I used to. Nowadays it's like I revert to this annoying person who can only speak about anime and shit to her.
What is happening to life?
Lately though, I've gotten much closer with Tanya and Lisa, and I'm glad for that--that our two? three? year friendship has grown stronger over time and not weaker, like it seems to have with everything else. Although Lisa can be annoying sometimes, but Tanya can agree with me on that (LOL). But they seem to be almost the only ones.
I mean, I don't feel comfortable talking around Amanda anymore, even though she used to always be so easy to talk to. I still think so, but now... I don't know, something changed, maybe me... I think I because unfriendlier or something. I can't be bothered to talk to people anymore, because it all feels so fake and tiresome and too much effort and uncomfortable.
I mean, I don't seem to pick up a conversation anymore. With my friends at least. I mean, with everyone else, I guess that always happened. But I mean, with Jaya? I used to talk to her non-stop and I know she hates silences, but sometimes I just want her to shut up and just sit beside her in silence. It's comforting, the silence. But she doesn't like that, and so I get slightly annoyed.
Even with Pim, I can talk to her like with Tanya and Lisa, talk about anything and it flows like I've known her my entire life. And then sometimes, like this afternoon, when there were three of us, me, Pim and someone else (in this case Lisa), and just let them talk whatever. I can't seem to find any interest in what they're saying, so I don't say anything.
As awkward as that seems, almost like a third wheel (probably) it was actually most comfortable. I don't know if they felt uneasy about me being so quiet, but I didn't care. I like it... being around people... but just... in silence. It's warm and satisfying. I know Pim understands my silence though, so whenever we just sit together without speaking, it's okay. I'm lucky for that.
But seriously, I'm too quiet lately. What is with this silence thing? I just want to...sit in silence sometimes, but still be with someone I know. But if I'm around someone, then I should be talking to them right? But then I want to be alone in silence. But then I want to feel the presence of someone. Ahh I don't know. Though I know I give off this unfriendly unsocial impression to most people e.g. on the busses: Ananya, Clare, Drishya, people.
And then sometimes, I don't feel like talking to anyone I know. I feel like I just wanted to talk to someone I wouldn't ever see again, a stranger, but a stranger I knew. Like yesterday, I saw Matt and we waved and I just wanted to ditch Jaya and Laura (I was doing the unsocial thing again) and just hang out with him and talk about nothing. Nothing related to school or work or exams or something stupid like that.
And the fact that I considered the thought of that made me wonder. I'm usually really anti-social around boys, and it's not just my silence thing going on. I seriously hate talking to them, because it's like I have this girl image I have to keep up with them. At least, that's what I feel like anyway. But yesterday? It was just so warm and words were buzzing by my ears and I just wanted to talk to him like I would talk to this diary.
If it were someone else, like some other SBHS I vaguely knew, or someone from primary, or anyone not from my school, someone normal, I would have felt the urge. So it's more like Matt was a representation of someone, something that I could just feel natural around, a stranger, an outsider in this restricted bubble I live in, where I know absolute not enough people to be able to judge things properly.
Ergh what am I saying. I can't describe this feeling, I shouldn't even try.
Maybe it's the exams getting to me.
Wish me luck for tomorrow.