7:54 PM, Monday, Sept. 06, 2010
Dear Joanna,
This is going to be one heck of a letter of ranting, pouring of my stress, biased natured words, perhaps unreasonable misunderstandings and false assumptions but like I have hoped and hoped to tell you or write this down earlier, I know this will never reach your eyes. And that's a good thing, because I know you'll think I'm some crazy bitch even more. And I am, because this is so unfair towards you, so pointless, so mean.
So, first of all, I am angry with you. So very angry with you. Maybe I wasn't your friend, but you were my friend, so please forgive me for being confused and feeling frustrated and angry when you suddenly just started ignoring me. And even when you've 'told' me you reasons, I still don't understand.
So I guess your depression just means you can just ignore me. Oh, I'm having a mental breakdown so I'll just ignore Eve, because... because she's a bitch. I don't fucking understand that logic. I know your not the most perfect girl, but fuck, where is your logic and rationale woman. Have you ever thought about what I was feeling? No, just ignore me, even though I don't know a fuck why, and yeah, that'll make you a lot better off, because that's going to make a better difference.
Nowadays, I try to avoid you whenever I can. Because seeing you, reminds me of all the unhappy things in the world, the things that can't stand up for themselves, the things that are unable to fight back, the things that are incomplete and have stopped trying. As pitiful and cruel as that sounds, you have no idea what others feel.
Most of the time, you are this empathetic, caring, wonderful person whose able to understand people better than themselves. But you know what your problem is? You think you are alone. You think you are the only one out there with problems. You think the world has ended because of these unexplainable overwhelming feelings. You don't know how to look at others, and realize just how fortunate you are, how fortunate you can be.
So what I've been trying to do, is make up with you. Because that's what I always do. Because that's what I want. But you know, seeing you walk right in my direction, 30cm before me, walk right into my face, and you just averted your eyes and went right past. The fuck, I'm thinking. Ok, if that's what you truly want. I give up. I fucking will forget you if that's what you want. Not because you told me to, but because I think you deserve to be forgotten.
You said you would 'leave' quietly. Oh you think you are the most discreet bitch out there aren't you? I don't know what you think, but everyone has noticed. You think you can just slide out, but these people who were your friends are not stupid. Just get out. Fucking get out already. If you're going to do it anyway, just fuck out and never come back.
Others have the same feelings you do towards our group. I do. Pim does. Even fucking Silvia does. But no, you don't give a fuck about that. Well you know what, they deserve so much better than you, and your half-hearted feelings and your fucking vague movements. Just fucking leave so all our lives can be better.
I used to feel so much sorrow and sympathy for you. I felt like I needed to do something to help, because I actually have a fucking heart you know? You don't expect anything from me, oh you don't know how much that fucking hurt when you first said that, and then every time afterwards. Or maybe you did, and you just wanted to distinguish where I stood with you now huh?
Well I'm so sorry for all those nights I lost sleep stressing over you. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I'm sorry I can't be who you want to be by your fucking side. I'm sorry all I can be now is the only fucking girl you ignore like I have some fucking disease. I'm sorry that I don't understand you at all. I'm sorry you never told me anything. I'm sorry that you'll never, ever think of me again.
So goodbye Joanna, fucking goodbye. If that's what you want oh so much, for whatever reason. Maybe all I'll be is a bitter memory in your fucking depressed mind. Sorry I no longer feel sorry for you because my irritation and frustration have just taken over my sympathy. You think you're the only one who's fucked up in the mind? You think you're the only one who goes to sleep wanting to never wake up again? You are so fucking wrong.
You are nothing more than an example. A figure of regret, backwardsness, fear, cowardice, the opposite of everything I ever thought of you. If I ever looked up to you, I take it all back. I have considered doing this, and regretting it in the future, and if I ever do in the future, then it's my loss. But seriously? You are one person to me, that I remember as someone I never, never want to become, my friends to become, my family.
You pathetic loser.